#maybe I’ll revisit this when I have more energy

[1driedpersimmon]

I’ve been a bit too tired lately to finish things so here’s just a few Lights (and L) that I’ve doodled

[tkwrites]

Can I Come See You? - Quinn Hughes x OFC

gif from gabelandeskog

Title: Can I Come See You?

Author: Tory / @tkwrites 

Relationship: Pre-established: Quinn Hughes x Sarah Roberts

Summary: After a rough game, Quinn seeks out comfort from Sarah. 

Warnings: some suggestive themes, swearing, other than that, it’s 98% fluff.

Word count: 4,600

Comments: I know I’ve been teasing the family reunion snapshot for a while now, but with all the heavy emotions September brings, I just haven’t been able to finish it. When this ask came in, I started writing right away, wanting some comfort myself. I’ve loved revisiting the beginning of Quinn & Sarah’s relationship while writing this Snapshot. 

Thank you, thank you, and thank you gain for your support and love! I have found such a lovely community here, and I’m so thankful. Even in this radio silence while I’ve been slogging through my grief, everyone has been so kind and supportive.  

If you enjoyed this Snapshot, please consider commenting, reblogging, or sending in an ask about it. I love seeing what you think of Quinn & Sarah’s latest adventures.

Anonymous asked: Quinn gives cuddler energy 1000000% After a game, especially when they played bad and lost/gave up a lead. Immediately wanting Sarah cuddles to make him feel better. Do you think he ever went to hers after a game, giving Eunice a heart attack in the early days. Or did they mostly hang at his?

Can I come see you? 

A Quinn & Sarah Snapshot

If it wasn’t a Friday night, he wouldn’t have even asked. But it was, and he knew Sarah didn’t have to be up early the next day. And they’d lost. Epically. 

Midway through the third, they’d given up a three goal lead. On a power play no less. He’d, thankfully, only been on the ice for one. He didn’t know what he’d do if he’d given up more than one short handed goal in a two-minute span.

There was another game the next day, the third in four days, and he knew he really should go home and go to sleep. But Toch had canceled practice the next morning, and he was upset and feeling restless and just wanted to see her. 

It had been a long time since he’d felt this longing to be with someone and actually had someone he could go to. He called his parents, but there was still a gap there, telling him something was still missing. He wanted a more physical kind of comfort.

It was a miserable night, and Quinn thought seeing Sarah might make him feel a little better. He’d never asked her something like this. Hoping she wouldn’t mind, he fired off a text.

Sarah was in her room after the game – after an awful game – when Quinn texted. 

Can I come see you? 

Her heart leapt into her throat.

Quinn had never sent a text like this before, and she wasn't totally sure what it meant.  

He wouldn't come here to initiate comfort sex, right? That would be crazy. Her roommates were home. 

Maybe he just wanted…she had no idea what he wanted, but he'd respected every boundary she'd thrown at him so far, so she responded. Sure. Let me know when you’re here, and I’ll come let you in. 

Though they hadn’t slept together yet, she was thinking about it a lot, and they'd made out. She'd even let him take off her bra a few days before. Just thinking about that night — the reverent way he'd touched her, like she was a priceless piece of art, and the croaked, pleasured noise he’d groaned into her neck when their dry humping culminated in him coming in his pants — still made her thoughts buzz.

He asked for her address. 

She’d forgotten he’d never been to her apartment before. Not inside, at least. He’d dropped her off several times, but it was always at the end of a date, and at least one of her roommates was usually home, so it’s not like she would invite him up. Also, it seemed silly to go from his lovely penthouse to inviting him up to her little apartment. If they were going to do anything, it wouldn’t be here. 

My roommates are home, just so you know, she sent, not wanting to set unrealistic expectations. 

He reacted with a thumbs up. 

Normally, she would warn them she was having someone over, but telling Eunice Quinn was coming over would only give her more time to wind herself up. So Sarah stayed in her room until he texted that he was downstairs and slipped by her roommates without giving an explanation. 

When she opened the large glass door to her building, he was standing off to the side, hands shoved in his pockets and his head hanging forward, as if it were just a little too heavy to hold up. 

“Hey,” she said quietly, not wanting to startle him.

He still jumped a little, but when he met her eyes, he smiled — genuinely — as if he was just glad to see her. 

Her heart fluttered.

“Come on in.” Taking his hand, she pulled him into the elevator, which was, thankfully, still on the ground floor. They only went up five levels before she got off and led him down the hall, and scanned through door 538. 

Her roommates were on the couch watching an episode of Friends. 

They looked over, and one of them yelped before slapping her hand over her mouth. She continued to make muffled noise, her wide eyes darting between Quinn and Sarah. 

“This is Quinn,” Sarah introduced, though it felt perfunctory. They both knew who he was. “And this is Eunice,” she said, gesturing to her, “she’s a big fan and a little bit excitable.” 

Quinn recognized her. She was the one who screamed when he’d knocked on the glass at Sarah’s first game. Her brown hair, which was more frizz than curl, was pushed back with a headband. She was still wearing a jersey – Petey’s, thankfully – from watching the game. 

“And this is Jane.” 

She was tall and willowy, with pale eyes and a thick, dark blonde braid. 

“It’s nice to meet you,” Jane said, standing up and offering her hand to shake.

Quinn grasped it, managing to pull a smile onto one half of his mouth. 

Eunice stood and followed suit, though he got the distinct impression that were they anywhere else with anyone else, she would be asking for a hug. “I can’t believe you’re in our house right now.” Her voice actually squeaked when she said it. 

“It’s nice to meet you,” he said, not quite managing to pull full sincerity into his voice. Though he did feel it, he was too tired and too miserable to mask the disappointment. 

Eunice finally seemed to get over the shock of Quinn Hughes being in her living room. “Tough break tonight,” she said, leaning her butt on the armrest of the couch.

“Yeah,” he sighed. 

“Here, we can go in my room.” 

When Sarah’s hand slipped into his, his heart did an embarrassing little flutter. Hoping it didn’t show on his face, he followed her down the hall. 

He'd forgotten what it was like to move into a blank slate of an apartment. All the places he'd rented since moving to Vancouver were furnished, including curated, so-neutral-it-wasn’t-interesting artwork. Sarah’s apartment looked like a home - framed photos and unique paintings on the walls. 

Her room was simple. There was a full bed tucked under the window that overlooked the street and a desk. There wasn’t room for much else. A quark board above her desk was filled with photos of who he assumed was her family. Half a dozen babies with her same bright blue eyes or chocolate colored hair. He noticed the warm up puck he'd given her sitting on her desk, bracing the pages of a textbook open to an anatomical drawing of a seahorse. 

She sat on the bed. It was either the bed or her office chair, and they couldn't both fit on the chair.  

“What's up?” she asked after a minute or so of him looking around her room, his hands in his pockets. He was in his suit, a rain jacket over it against the wet, misty night, and had a knit hat pulled over his hair.

His eyes snapped to her. Something about seeing her in leggings and a loose t shirt, sitting on her blue and green patchwork quilt, made him ache. Longing bloomed in him to see her this comfortable somewhere where they could be together. Not together like this; together permanently. The thought stuck in his mind. Had he ever felt that way about someone before?

“I just wanted to see you,” he admitted, shoulders dropping.

“Oh.” The sincerity in his voice took her by surprise. The fact that he wanted to see her on a hard night sent a giddy, effervescent shiver through her. 

She patted the mattress, and relieved, he sunk down next to her. 

Sarah pulled his rain jacket off, throwing it over her office chair before asking, “this too?” as her fingers tucked under the collar of his suit coat. 

Usually, he would have shrugged it off as soon as he'd pulled away from the arena, but he'd been driving in the general direction of Yaletown, breathlessly waiting for Sarah’s reply.  

Nodding, he pushed his shoulders back so she could pull it off. 

She folded it much more deliberately than he usually did, matching the shoulders and making sure the arms were flat before draping it over his jacket. 

“You okay?” she asked, her hand traveling up and down his back. 

Her gentle touch and the sound of her voice sent a pang of relief through him. 

Experiencing Sarah sharing her emotions with him so openly somehow made it easier to reciprocate and trust she wasn't going to dismiss his or throw them back in his face later. 

He shook his head.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don't even want to think about it,” he said, leaning forward and raking his fingers into his hair.

Not quite sure what he meant, her hand paused on it’s journey smoothing over the soft material of his dress shirt. 

“Can we…” he glanced over at her. In the light from her desk lamp, his eyes were the color of cognac. “Can we lay down?”

Her lips pursed. It wasn’t that they hadn’t cuddled before. They had, but she still wasn’t exactly sure what it was that he wanted. 

“I just want to hold you,” he finally admitted. The vulnerability of saying it out loud knotted his stomach.

Her heart did a giddy little dance in her chest, and she barely held herself back from asking, really?  

“Sure,” she said instead, although it still came out a little breathy. “You've gotta take off your shoes, though.” 

As he toed off the sneakers, she scooted back, so she was laying nearest the window. 

He lay next to her. They stayed that way, side by side for a minute before Sarah asked, “how do you...?”

Extending his arm, he patted his side, inviting her to snuggle into him. She accepted readily, pressing her body to his. Really, he wanted her to hold him, but he felt a little too vulnerable to ask for that. 

A deep sigh let go as her hand rested on his chest. It had taken more than six months for him to feel this comfortable with June, for him to even think about asking her for comfort.  It was amazing to him that things with Sarah were so much easier. 

“What do you need?” she asked, tracing one of his buttons. 

Emotion threatened to choke his reply. Taking a moment to swallow it down, he tried to remember the last time someone had asked him that not related to improving his on-ice performance. Nothing immediately came to mind.

“Can you just talk?”

“About what?”

“Anything. Tell me about your roommates.”

“Well, Jane is a pediatric nurse. She works in the BC Children’s ER.” 

He let out a low whistle. 

“Yeah. It’s a rough gig sometimes, but she really loves it. She's actually headed to work in a few hours.”

He glanced at his watch, “at midnight?” 

“She works a lot of graveyards. 3 to 3 or midnight to noon. She coaches a youth lacrosse league on the weekends.”

“Really?” He felt Sarah nod. “My mom played lacrosse. She put all of us in it, too.” 

“Did you like it?” 

He shrugged, “I like hockey better.”

“Good thing you stuck with it, then.”

A breath of a laugh escaped through his nose.

“And Eunice is studying biomedical engineering. She’s on track to get her PhD.”

“Really?”

“Why are you so surprised?”

“I don't know,” he shrugged. “She just seems so…I mean, excitable like you said.”

“Oh, she's just dedicated to everything she does. She has a 4.0. I think it'd actually be higher if the scale didn't stop there. She does everything like that, you know? Doesn’t matter if it’s school or being a fan. She’s always 110% in. I don’t think she knows how to do anything halfway.” 

He hmm’d.

Falling into a companionable silence, Quinn sighed. He’d been looking for this his kind of comfort with another person his entire life. The first time he’d really felt it was on their first date, and it was a revelation. Each time it happened since then, it became a little less awkward. They might well be on their way to sharing the kind of quiet moments he used to see his parents have. Sitting together on the couch reading, or folding laundry together, or watching TV, just happy to be with each other. The idea of it made his chest feel buoyant enough to float away.

“How did you meet them?” 

“Eunice was advertising for someone new to move in on the school housing board. Their old roommate, Jenny, was getting married. So, I met them and saw the place, and it just worked out.” 

“Just like that?” 

“I guess?”

“I’ve never done that before.”

“What?” 

“Interviewed to be a roommate. I’ve always lived with teammates.”

“Not all of us have a built-in best friend squad.”

He snorted, and Sarah smiled. 

They eased into another quiet moment, and Quinn felt his eyelids grow heavy.

“Do you need anything?” she asked. 

“Hmm?” 

“Like, do you need anything to eat?” 

“I ate at the arena,” he said, “but I wouldn't mind something to drink.” 

As she pushed herself up and he resisted the urge to pull her back down. “What do you want? I have water, cranberry juice, or Ginger ale.” When he didn't respond, she continued, “I have some rum if you need something stronger, or I could make you some tea.” 

“I can't have caffeine this late. It’ll fuck up my sleep schedule.” Truth be told, it was probably already fucked just by him being here, but he didn’t want to inflict any more damage. 

She smiled, “I have peppermint, or a caffeine free maple that's really tasty as a latte.” 

“That sounds nice.”

“Okay. Do you want milk or almond milk?” 

“Almond, please.” 

“You got it.” As she crawled over him to get to the edge of the bed, she leaned down to press a gentle kiss to his lips. 

His mouth was still buzzing when she left the room. 

Eunice came into the kitchen as Sarah was filling the kettle. “What are you doing?” she whispered as if Quinn might hear them from down the hall. 

“Making tea,” Sarah said in her normal tone. 

She could tell Eunice wanted to start interrogating her and pointedly looked the other way. She’d be happy to talk, but not while he was still here. Getting Eunice started on a conversation like that required a certain amount of commitment, and Sarah wasn’t willing to rehash the night until it was over.

She stayed in the kitchen, watching Sarah start the kettle on the stove and pour milk into the frother. 

“I can bring this to you when it’s done.” 

“You’re sure?” 

“Yeah. Go be with Quinn. He looked like he needed some time with you. I’ll be in in a few.” 

“Okay.” 

As she walked back down the hall, she heard Eunice mutter something about getting Quinn to play better tomorrow.

Sarah winced, wondering if he was ever allowed to be human before being an athlete. 

Quinn looked up from his phone when Sarah came back in the room empty-handed. “No tea?” he asked, hoping his tone came off teasing. It was surprising to him she could start something and not finish it. 

Leaving the door cracked open, she got back on the bed and crawled over him, “Eunice offered to bring it in. It takes our stove ages to boil water.” 

He pulled her into him as soon as she got to his other side. As she bounced against him, she giggled, and it dissipated some of the angsty weight he’d been carrying around since the game ended. 

She snuggled up to him again, working her left arm under his back. He arched until her hand brushed his ribs.

“That’s okay?” he asked, settling back down. 

“Yeah.”

Though half of it was tied up, he threaded his fingers into the hair at the nape of her neck, then ran them through the soft strands. She made a contented little noise, so he did it again, just glad to be touching her. 

“Thank you for this,” he said, voice quiet. 

“For what?” 

“For letting me come over. For,” he moved so he could wrap his arm around her, squeezing her a little bit closer. 

“Hey, if cuddling makes you feel better, I’m always down,” she said, nuzzling her cheek into his shoulder. This kind of casual affection was what she missed most every time she broke up with all of her exes. Not to mention, she got so little physical touch being away from her family.

He chuckled, and it ended in a sigh. 

His free hand found hers, and he slotted their fingers together. 

“I really like you, Sarah.” 

“I really like you, too, Quinn,” she said, tipping her head back so she could see his face. From this angle, his nose was more pronounced. She had to resist the urge to pull her hand from his so she could run her finger down the ridge of it to feel the prominent bump. 

Sensing her stare, he turned his head, bringing their lips dangerously close. It only took a bit of stretching on Sarah’s part to bring them together. 

When he felt Sarah strain toward him again, he rolled onto his side to shorten the distance between them. Her hand stayed on his chest, and their kisses remained sweet, though the adjusted position allowed for a little more tongue, which he wasn’t mad about.

This was much softer than anything they'd done so far. It was nice to know they could just be here: not rushing to get undressed or into something more intense and physical. 

She loved this kind of lazy, slow kissing, but found it didn’t usually come until much later in a relationship, after all the first physical stuff was out of the way. To be kissing - making out without really making out - like this before they’d even had sex felt like a gift. Feeling his fingers run into her hair, bringing her face just that little bit closer to his Sarah sighed.

The way her chin moved in and out as they kissed, matching the rhythm of her tongue brushing his, lulled his body into a state of deeper relaxation than he’d felt all evening.

Pulling away just enough, she whispered, “you’re a really good kisser.” 

A zing of pleasure shivered through his brain and all the way down Quinn's spine.

 “Thanks,” he breathed, easing back to see her face. 

He gazed into her eyes for a few moments longer, trying to calm his thoughts. Once he was over the initial daze her compliment brought on, he realized he should probably say something else. Instead of blurting out the, I like being good for you, that popped into his mind, he said, “you make it easy to be.”

When she shyly thanked him as her cheeks pinked, he felt like he'd swallowed the sun. 

Unable to resist anymore, Sarah reached up to trace her finger down the bridge of his nose. “How did you break it?” 

“The first time, Jack punched me in the face in an intense game of mini sticks.”

“Mini sticks?”

“It’s like…” How did he explain this to someone who’d never played? “It’s like indoor, carpet hockey. You use these little plastic sticks and a ball, usually. We used to play in the basement. My mom talks about how we played so hard, we would shake the whole house.”

“That’s some serious competition if you’re getting your nose broken.” 

A breath of a laugh huffed out of him. “I deserved it. I was goading him on pretty bad, and he didn’t really know his own strength. I can still see the horror on his face when the blood started pouring.” 

She resumed stroking, her touch feather light and gentle, “how many times have you broken it?” 

“Three.” Quinn never thought he’d like someone touching him like this, but with Sarah, he found it comforting instead of irritating. It was like she just wanted to know every part of him. “The other two were pucks to the face.”

She winced. “That sounds painful. Those pucks are way heavier than I thought.” 

“It’s not fun,” he said. “Thankfully, the adrenaline is still pumping, so it doesn’t really hurt until after the game is over.” 

“You kept playing with a broken nose?” 

Nodding, he laughed, “they strap on a full face shield, and send you back out there.” 

An incredulous, protective look took over her face that Quinn instantly loved. 

“Don’t worry. They do concussion testing and reset it if it needs it before.” 

“That’s just…really?” 

He nodded.

“I keep seeing all these memes about how tough hockey players are, and I always thought they were kind of exaggerated.” 

“It’s a tough sport,” he said. “My goal is always to be swift enough on my feet to not get involved with the harsh stuff, but sometimes a puck just redirects, and bam, your nose is broken again.” 

The kettle whistled. 

As if by an unspoken rule, they pulled back from each other. Sarah’s hand dropped back to his chest. 

A minute later, Eunice gently hipped open Sarah's door, carrying a tray with two steaming mugs and the whole milk frothing machine. “I figured it would be easier for you to froth in here,” she said, setting the tray down on Sarah's desk. 

As she backed out of the room, she widened her eyes and quirked her brows a few times, giving Sarah a look that plainly said, you have a cute, famous boy in your bed, and we're going to discuss everything as soon as he’s gone. 

“Thanks, Eunice,” Sarah said through a tight smile, hoping Quinn hadn’t seen. 

“Sure thing,” she said before softly clicking the door shut.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had a tea latte,” Quinn said as he rolled onto his back so Sarah could crawl over him again. The urge to pull her on top of him by her hips was so strong that he had to curl his fingers into the quilt. 

“Really?” she asked, plugging the frother into the outlet by her nightstand. 

He shrugged. 

The machine whirred to life.

“It’s good. I like it at night. The warm milk kind of puts me to sleep.” 

When it was done, she divided the creamy concoction into the two mugs and brought one to Quinn. 

“This is okay?” he asked, gesturing to the bed. 

“Yeah.” There wasn’t anywhere else they could go. If he spilled tea on her sheets, she’d just have him help her change them. 

Sarah sat opposite him, knees bent, her bare feet between his socked ones. 

Their eyes met over their mugs, and Quinn smiled. “This is really good, thank you,” he said, gently tapping her leg with his toe. 

“You’re welcome. I’m glad you came over.” 

“Are you still up for the game tomorrow?” 

“Yeah,” she said. “I’m planning on it.”

“And you’ll stay so I can take you home?”

She nodded. “Are you flying out again after that?”

He sighed, “yeah. On Sunday. We fly out to Dallas, play them on Monday, and then go to Colorado to play on Wednesday, and then I’ll be home for a week on Thursday afternoon.”

“I’m glad it’s not too long this time.”

“Me too.” A yawn split his face. He apologized, holding a fist over his mouth.

Shaking her head, Sarah said, “you’ve had a long day.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, downing the rest of the tea. “I should probably get home and get to sleep.”

While he pulled on his sneakers, Sarah set her latte aside and slipped on some sandals. 

Rain was pounding against the glass fronted lobby when they got downstairs. Looking down at herself, Sarah said, “I’d walk you to your car, but I’m not really dressed for it.”

Half of his mouth lifted in an indulgent smile, “that’s okay.” Gathering her against him, he breathed in the smokey smell of her perfume to fortify himself for the dash into the rain and the drive home. “Thank you again.”

Her hands slid under his suit coat, pulling him more tightly against her, “you’re welcome. I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said, pulling back to look into his face. 

“Tomorrow,” he agreed, leaning down to kiss her. They were in public, so he knew he shouldn’t linger, but he did anyway, savoring her mouth as the last thing he’d taste that night. 

“Let me know when you get home, yeah?” she asked when they parted. 

He nodded, and she watched him jog away before heading back upstairs. 

Eunice was waiting in the entryway for her and immediately grabbed her hand. “Tell us everything,” she said, excitedly pulling Sarah down the hall to the bathroom where Jane was re-braiding her hair for work. 

Before she sat in the hallway outside the bathroom, Sarah got her unfinished tea. As she sipped, she explained how he ended up there. 

Both women awed when she recounted Quinn telling her he just wanted to hold her. Eunice broke in when Sarah got to the part about making tea.

“Jane, it was so cute. I walked by, and they’re cuddling. Then, when I came back, they were kissing. Like that soft movie kind of kissing - it looked so dreamy. Then when I walked by again –” 

“Why were you walking by so much?” Sarah demanded. 

Eunice didn't even blush, “I had to get my blanket.”

“And it took you two trips to do it?” 

“I forgot what I was getting the first time and had to come back to the living room to remember.” 

“Right,” Sarah deadpanned. 

“Anyway,” she said in an over-exaggerated tone, “when I walked by again, she was petting his nose.”

“Oh my god,” Sarah exclaimed, “I am never bringing him over here again. He’s going to think you’re some kind of psychopathic stalker for walking by all the time.”

“Oh, he had no idea I was even there,” Eunice said. “He was way too busy longingly gazing at you, Ms. Roberts. I don’t think he would have even noticed me if I was stomping down the hall like a t-rex.”

“He was pretty enraptured,” Jane said. 

“You too?” 

“I had to go to the bathroom. Mine was legitimate.”

“Oh my fucking hell,” Sarah moaned. 

“Why were you touching his nose?” 

“I asked him how he broke it.” Sarah smiled at the floor. “And I like his nose.”

Eunice snorted, “of course you do.” 

Cutting off Sarah’s incredulous look, Jane asked, “what was the best part?”

All of it, she wanted to say. The fact that he came over at all. That he just wanted to cuddle, the kissing… 

“He was really sweet. I told him he was a good kisser and he just looked into my eyes for a while before he goes, ‘you make it easy to be.’” 

“Oh my gosh,” Jane gushed, “really? That is such a good answer.”

“Will you just fuck him already?” 

Sarah let out a surprised cough, and Eunice continued, “I think he’s proven he’s not just in it for the sex.”

“I think I knew that from the start.”

“So why are you waiting so long to jump him?” 

“Eunice,” Jane admonished, “Sarah can take however long she likes to take that step.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Eunice said dismissively, flapping her hands, “I just want to know what he’s like in bed.”

“Oh my god,” Sarah said, dropping her head into her hands. “I am never discussing my sex life with you.”

“Yes you will.” 

“No. I won't.” 

“You will,” Eunice said with a quirk of her brows. “You've told us everything else so far. I don't think you'll be able to resist.”

“You’re unhinged, you know that?” 

“That’s why you love me.”

Laughing, Sarah had to admit she was right.  

Want more Quinn & Sarah? Check out the Snapshots Masterlist

To read all my fics, check out the Fanfiction Masterlist

[littlelovelyra]

Now is not the time, nor the place.

Gale x FemTav/Reader(f)

Word count: ~1,914

Warnings: fluff(?) , Fingering, hand jobs, mouth stuff, kinda? C*m shot?

MINORS DNI

Disclaimer: I literally always put a disclaimer that I am by no means a writer, I just day dream a lot to escape my hectic work days and my somewhat chaotic life so I write down my day dreams and revisit them sometimes. Decided to publish them here so its easy for me to find. If it at least entertain one person thats a win for me :'D

Summary:

Having arrived at Last Light Inn several hours ago, your party convened and, following a discussion with Jaheira, reached a consensus to divide the patrol duties to ease the burden. Prior to this decision, after battling Kar'Niss,Gale openly confessed his physical attraction toward you only to immediately extinguish any flame that thought may have produced. Now, as chance would have it, both of you find yourselves on duty, strolling along the docks of Last Light Inn, having determined your partners through a draw of names. Suspicious. 

___________________________

“Now’s not the time nor place.” What. The. Fuck. Gale. Why even bother saying it at all? You curse the foolish wizard in your mind, focusing on the two small pouches placed in the middle of the table where you and your companions are seated, trying not to shoot daggers in his direction. You can feel his side glances as he looks at you.

“Well, as much as I love us sitting around and staring at one another—because who wouldn’t want to stare at me—who’s going to be the first to draw a name?” Astarion looks around the table, taking us all in. We’re all looking pretty tired, and no one wants to take the leap, fearing they might draw “first watch” from the second pouch after selecting their partner from the first.

“Oh gods above, fine, I’ll do it.” Astarion reaches his hand into the first pouch, retrieves a name, and then dips his hand into the second, pulling out a small piece of parchment. He clears his throat. “Well, Shadowheart, I guess you and I are taking tomorrow’s watch,” he says as a slow smirk spreads across his face. Lucky bastard, you think to yourself. As everyone else gathers the courage to draw, the order goes as follows:

Astarion / Shadowheart: Second Night

Karlach / Wyll: Third Night

Lae’Zel / Halsin: Fourth Night

You curse under your breath at the absolute joke that is your luck right now. Though, you feel luck might not have anything to do with it. You suspect Gale has somehow played his magic hand in this. You can practically feel his smugness vibrating across the table from you. As much as you care for him, these past few weeks have been confusing. From his reaction to the moment you shared in the Weave, to his dismissal at the tiefling party when you sought him out. He told you to go “enjoy the festivities,” which led you to a pretty little clearing with a vampire spawn—an experience you note never to repeat. Then, just before entering the Shadow-Cursed Lands, he received his charge from Mystra and accepted it without considering anyone else. To top it all off, he basically admitted his attraction to you and immediately shot it down. All this hot and cold behaviour has been giving you more headaches than the damn tadpole in your head. 

Releasing a soft sigh, you push yourself back from the table and stand up, eventually meeting his gaze. “Come on, Gale, we’re up first. Jaheira has assigned us to the dockside for our patrol.” You keep your tone cool and matter-of-fact. You will not make a fool of yourself chasing someone who clearly does not want to be chased. With all the chaos of dealing with the cultists, you have no time or energy for these petty games of the heart. He either wants you or he doesn’t, and it seems it’s the latter.

Gale follows you as you walk towards your quarters. As you reach your door, you look back at him. “Wait here, I need to change. These clothes are disgusting after killing that drider. I won’t be long. Maybe you should change too—it’s going to be a long night. Meet me back here in ten minutes.” Pressing your lips together awkwardly, you watch him hold your stare for a moment before giving a slight nod. He turns on his heel and heads toward the shared quarters. You’re grateful that your companions graciously agreed to give you the only private room in the Last Light Inn; gods know you need a bit of privacy to collect your thoughts.

In your room, you quickly change out of your clothes, wipe yourself down with a washcloth, redress, and braid your hair back. Looking in the mirror, you can see how tired you are from the journey. Closing your eyes, you mutter a short prayer to Selûne for the strength to get through the evening. A soft knock at the door catches your attention, and you cross the room to open it. Gale stands there with a fresh set of clothes, his hair now tamed, and even a bit of his beard trimmed. His eyes are as bright as ever, always seeming deep in thought, making you wonder what’s going on in his mind. “Stop it”, you think to yourself, “Now is not the time.”

You usher him out of the doorway and lead the way outside, down to the docks. You notice how close he is walking next to you, the silence is loud but every now and then his hand accidentally brushes up against yours and sends a soft shiver running up your arm. Again you wonder if he is using any magic to conjure up that effect on you. 

Walking to the edge of the dock, you scan the perimeter. Everything is quiet; it all seems as it should. You lean over the railing and glance at your reflection in the water, exhaling loudly. You stay there for a moment with your eyes shut, taking in the sounds of the flames softly flickering on the nearby torches and the occasional gentle splash of the water. It’s the most peaceful you’ve felt in a long time.

“Lost in thought?” Gale says as he places himself next to you, leaning down with his arms supporting him on the railing. You turn your head to face him and notice that his face is mere inches from yours. You linger there for a moment, your eyes scanning his face and finally your gaze falls to his lips, you wonder how they would feel pressed against yours. He catches your stare and the left side of his mouth pulls up into a soft smirk.

“Actually, I’m not thinking at all.” You say pushing yourself up you ready yourself to leave this side of the dock and continue your sweep of the area. As you turn to leave, Gale grabs your hand. You turn to him puzzled.

“Let’s stay a moment longer, shall we? It’s quiet, and nothing will happen if we take a few selfish moments for ourselves.” His thumb traces lazy circles on the back of your hand, releasing a flurry of butterflies in your stomach. You watch his gentle movements, marvelling at how hands so powerful can also be so tender. Your thoughts drift to how those very same hands might feel exploring your body, familiarising themselves with your secret places while bringing you to complete ecstasy. Your cheeks begin to flush at the mental image you have painted for yourself and it hasn’t gone unnoticed by him as he offers a soft clearing of his throat to pull your attention back to reality. 

“I meant every word I said, by the way.” He looks at you, expecting a response, but you're unsure what to say. Words elude you, so you remain silent, hoping he'll continue—and he does, simply because he’s Gale.

“I have never wanted you more than I do now. Seeing your cheeks flush just then only made my desire that much more uncontrollable. I keep waiting for the right moment to kiss you, to show you how much I want you. It has to be perfect—you deserve that. But perhaps, just for tonight, we can allow ourselves a bit of imperfection. Or an appetiser before the main course, if you will.”

He raises his hand and gently lifts your face towards his. Slowly, he lowers his lips to yours, tenderly moulding them to fit around yours. A soft whimper escapes your mouth, and you feel your knees shake as if they're about to give way to this moment. Sensing your thoughts, Gale places his other hand on your hip, steadying you and pulling you closer to him. Everything around you seems to disappear, and all that exists in this moment are the two of you, completely lost in each other's embrace.

As he starts to pull away, he leads you to the covered area of the dock—more private, secluded—and you see the intent in his stare. Slow he brings the two of you down onto the deck, gently he lowers you to your back while he positions himself above you. His lips come crashing down to yours once again but this time with urgency. He uses his free hand to roam its way under your clothes exploring your soft curves and taking his time familiarising himself with the shape of you. He delicately rubs the pad of his thumb over your peaked sensitive nipple which causes you to gasp at the sensation, heat pooling in your core. You shift your hips up towards him instinctively and he groans into your mouth while your tongues dance together. His hand slithering down, snaking its way to your heated centre. Slipping under your panties his fingers slide between your folds, you inhale sharply at the sensation. Gods above nothing in your fantasies even compare to what this feels like in real time. Gale lets out a low groan. “Mhm. You are so ready for me my love. I want that to be perfect so this will just have to do for now.” as he finishes his sentence he slides two of his fingers inside you and curls them upward. Slowly pumping them in and out while his kisses become frenzied.

Your hands go exploring on their own and you find him, hard and ready. You can feel it pulsing through his trousers. The growl that escapes his lips is inviting enough for you, reaching in as you pull his length out and begin stroking him tenderly at first and then more desperately as you feel him rocking his hips in time with your hand. His hand is still working inside you and the two of you become desperate as the pace picks up. You lift your shirt up exposing your breasts with your spare hand and he brings his head down as he sucks in the swollen peak of your breast. You can feel it, the two of you are so close. 

“Gale.. Gale.. I’m going to…” You're breathless now. You can’t get it out, your head is dizzying. 

He brings his mouth to your ear, his breath hot as he whispers;  “Let go. Cum for me”. 

That’s all it takes. Your whole body shatters around him as his name escapes your lips in pure unfiltered ecstasy. He comes undone seconds later, you feel a warm splash on your bare stomach and he brings his head down to rest his forehead on yours. Softly he kisses you again before you both straighten out your clothing and smooth your hair. Silently you sit there leaning into him on the deck looking out over the water. 

“I have a confession to make.” He says scattering kisses down your cheek.

“Mhmmm… Let me guess? You rigged the pouches somehow to be partnered with me tonight?” You say looking at him.

He flashes you a wicked smile and kisses you deeply as you both stand up to continue a sweep of the perimeter. You are on duty after all and now is not the time.. nor the place.

[cocogrrrl]

bandages

when you find out that the sudden thumping by your fire exit is a masked vigilante in serious pain, you have no other choice than to help him.

mysterion!kenny mccormick x gn!reader cw: severe injuries wc: 2001

AN: I NEED TO PROOFREAD THIS HELP an part two: have not proofread this, but this fic now has a part two!

Tonight was a quiet night. You had nothing going on, to be honest. No friends over, no work to be done, nothing. For once, it left you relieved. For weeks, you’ve been wondering when would you actually have time for yourself. At the same time, the feeling of not being insanely occupied was new. Honestly, it was a little boring.

First, you were trying to relax in your living room, flicking through the movies and shows on the screen. None of them seemed appealing. After that, you decide you’d do a little art, bringing out some yarn as you tried to make something out of it. You were so out of it currently, though, so you didn’t have the energy to commit to a project.

Perhaps all you needed was sleep, though. I mean, it is 10:30 PM already, but this isn’t how you wanted to spend your free Friday night. You wanted to make the most of it. Be productive or entertain yourself.

Maybe it’s for the better, anyways. You got out o the sofa and tucked away your craft materials somewhere. You’ll probably revisit them in another two months.

All of a sudden, you hear several thumps by the fire exit.

Could it have been a criminal trying to sneak in? Honestly, trying to rob a person in a cheap studio complex was kinda low if it was indeed a robber. Could it have been a cat, though? It seems likely. Whatever it was, you decided to check it.

You entered the fire exit through your window. What greeted you was the sight of some dressed-up hero, all bloody and beaten up, lying on the concrete asphalt ground. To be honest, he looked kind of ridiculous—mostly because of the costume.

You wondered if anyone had spotted him yet. No time to think, though you had to help this poor guy. Thank god you lived on the second floor, you quickly shuffled down the footsteps of the fire escape and headed straight to the man.

“Are you okay?” You asked as you knelt beside him. He was breathing, which was good—obviously. Though his costume consisted of greys and blacks, you could see that there was blood seeping into his clothes. Definitely not good.

“Just leave me…” He choked out.

“What? No. You clearly look like you’ve broken a bone or two, and I’d be fucking insane to leave you in a state like this.” You replied, pulling your phone out of your pocket to dial an ambulance.

He was quick to pull the phone out of your hand with what little strength he had. “Don’t call for help… I’ll be caught.” Oh, so probably this guy’s an actual vigilante—not just some guy dressing up.

“You need help, though.”

“You can leave me here. It’s fine.”

“Are you insane? It’s not fine. I’m not leaving you out here to possibly die!” You sighed. “Here. I’ll bring you to my place. It’s just there on the second floor. Do you need help getting up?”

“I…” You could feel the hesitance in the man’s voice. It’s almost as if he didn’t want your help. “I can go there. I just need some help getting up.” He sighed.

A few minutes later, with some struggle, you found him lying on your couch. His wounds weren’t getting any better. They just kept on bleeding through his clothes. It was even more obvious now with the lights turned on.

You emerged out of your bathroom with a first aid kit in hand. The guy had cracked a few ribs and had cuts and bruises all over his body. He looked like hell. While you were grabbing your things, he was stripping down to his underwear and mask as you requested. You would’ve noted how hot he looked if it weren’t for the fact that he was dying right now. 

You started to wrap a bandage around his chest to support the ribs. You made it as tight as you can without trying to hurt the guy as well. Right after, you headed to your freezer, where you pulled out an ice pack and handed it to him.

“Hold it against where it hurts. I’m gonna clean your wounds up, okay?” You looked up at him as you got on your knees and brought out the wet cloth soaked in a bowl of water closer to you. He nodded and held it in place. “It’s gonna sting a little bit, if you didn’t already know.”

As you worked on what you could, you could feel him tense up and even hiss sometimes. In the corner of your eye, you could see his eyes tight shut as his jaw was clenched. You felt really bad for the guy.

After a bit, you set his costume aside as you searched through your wardrobe for cleaner clothes that fit him. You pulled out an old shirt and some basketball shorts you had lying around. “Do you need help putting clothes on?” 

He shook his head. “Alright. I’m gonna turn around—just tell me when you’re done, okay?” You said. Once more, he nodded his head. You turned on your heel, hearing some awkward shuffling and grunts as you waited.

“I’m okay now.” Those were the first actual words he said after entering your apartment. 

“You can stay the night here,” you sighed, turning back as you leaned on the wall looking at him. “God knows you need it.”

“Thank you…” He smiled at you for the first time tonight. It was now around 11 PM at this point, and you were a lot more groggier than you were earlier. Your brain was fried with the distress from earlier.

“You’re staying in my bed, by the way. You’re way too big for the couch. It could be uncomfortable for you.” You said, heading to your kitchen to grab some Diclofenac and water.

“You don’t have to. You’ve been a huge help to me already. I don’t think I could accept your hospitality.” You sat beside him, handing the pill and water to him.

“I insist. I don’t think I could handle seeing you in any more pain.” Your eyes scanned him up and down. He seemed much better compared to earlier, although he had bandages wrapped around him everywhere.

“I don’t want to cause you any discomfort, dear.” He immediately jumped at himself with that little name at the end, as you did as well. You two were clearly not expecting it. It’s not that you minded it, though.

“Come on. It’s just one night… guy.” You said, not knowing what else to call him.

“Mysterion.”

“Mysterion,” you continued. “Your health is a lot more important than wherever the hell I sleep right now. Besides, it’s not like I don’t already fall asleep on the couch on the regular.”

“Fine, fine,” he sighed. “I’m just not sure if I’m able to sleep tonight.”

“Why? Drank coffee before you fell off the rooftop?”

“Funny, but no.” However, when he said that, there was little to no reaction on his face whatsoever. “I just can’t sleep. I don’t feel tired.”

“I’ll accompany you, then.” You smiled, leaning back on the couch. It’s not like you didn’t have anything better to do.

“You don’t have to—”

“I want to, okay? Besides, I got nowhere to go to tomorrow.” You said, giving him a reassuring look. You’d squeeze his shoulder to further your intentions, but you might just end up crushing him to a pulp even further.

“I can’t thank you enough…” He trailed off, not knowing your name.

“YN.” You nodded.

“Thank you, YN.”

“Mhm,” you nodded, heading for your kitchen once more to pour yourself a drink as a reward and a pat on the back for tonight. “So, who were you fighting earlier, Mysterion?” You said mindlessly, trying to make conversation with the guy.

“Uh, the Coon,” he muttered. You hummed in reply, hearing him in the quiet of your apartment perfectly well. “I’m usually the one who beats him, but I guess today’s just an off-day for me. I’m gonna beat his ass when I see him tomorrow.”

“Who’s the Coon anyway?” You asked, plopping yourself beside him again as you swirled your drink around before taking a sip.

“Some guy. I’ve been fighting him for years now. Ever since we were kids, actually.”

“So he’s your arch nemesis?”

“No, ew. No way. I don’t have an ‘arch nemesis’ per se. I have too many people I’m fighting with to actually have a designated enemy.” He said, a prideful smirk on his face as he said that.

“I don’t think that’s something you’re supposed to be proud of.”

“It isn’t, but I find joy in it whenever I’m on the streets nowadays.” He sighed, lying on the couch.

“Really? Fighting your multitude of enemies is what brings you joy?” You raised a brow.

“And seeing cuties like you as well, but whatever.” He quickly mumbled.

“Hmm? You think I’m cute?” You smiled, bringing your face closer to his—even though he was so obviously dodging eye contact with you.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Oh, but yes you did.” You chuckled, gently pinching his cheek as pulled it to have him look at you. “I heard exactly what you said.”

“So what did I say, then?” He mused your playfulness, raising his eyebrows.

“You said, and I quote, ‘And seeing cuties like you as well.’”

“Completely wrong,” he said with a pout, the visible skin because of his mask reddening faintly. “I said, ‘And California brew as well.’ Clearly, you’re just hearing things.”

“Uhuh,” you sarcastically replied, nodding. “And what exactly is a California brew? I’m assuming you meant the state drink of California, by the way.”

He paused, thinking to himself. “...Kombucha?”

“It’s wine, genius.” You rolled your eyes with a grin on your face, letting your hand go from his face.

“Well, it sounds like it could be their state drink!” 

“Mhm, keep trying to save yourself. We all know what you said, Mystie-boo.” You clicked your tongue, shaking your head.

“What’s a Mystie-boo?” He looked at you full of negative judgment, although it was definitely lightheartedly.

“Like, Pookie-pie!” His gaze which was full of judgment just became one of concern. “It’s what you call your friends! Like boo boo bear!”

“I don’t think anyone calls their friends that, YN.”

“That’s because you don’t get it!” You pouted, crossing your arms as you took another sip from your drink.

The whole night you two chatted on your couch. Your teasing was relentless. You didn’t hold back one bit. Mysterion continued with his slip-of-the-tongue flirting, and you always took note of it. You didn’t mind, not one bit. You enjoyed yourself thoroughly with it. 

The early morning approached, and it was around 1 AM. You were surprised that you were still awake, considering how exhausted you were. Mysterion, however, was knocked out on the couch. You dragged his body over to your bed as efficiently as you could—which wasn’t much, but it’s the thought that counts! You draped your blanket over him, and you head out of your room, taking your sleep on the couch like you promised yourself.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

You find yourself waking up at 10 AM. Honestly, for how tired out you were, that wasn’t too bad. You noticed you were back in your bed, though. Was the whole thing all a dream? You wouldn’t blame yourself if it was. I mean, maybe you were just desperate for a love life.

You sighed, rising from your bed as you reached over to your nightstand to grab your phone. To your dismay, it wasn’t there. Actually, a scribbled piece of paper was instead lying there. You shook your head, reaching to grab it.

Thanks for last night, cutie pookie pie. Is that right??

- Kenny, aka “Mysterion”

PS: youre the first person im running to if i get hurt badly again :]

You smiled, tucking the letter in your drawer. See you soon, Mysterion. 

[flaylore]

DIRECTORY (2024)

Jan 1, 2024, Red Mecha Pilot Tries Blender To Make Goo Cat!!!!!!

As Flayon’s about to end the stream, he reminds viewers to love themselves… and for a split second, his eyes swirls, telling them to never leave him.

Jan 2, 2024

‘Can you have a late growth spurt in your 18000's???’

Jan 4, 2024

'i cant wash the black strands out of my hair so i guess i didnt dye it WEIRD'

Jan 4, 2024

imo it looks like it's spreading

Jan 6, 2024, The Roons Got Me A Place At Time Square!!! || + Granblue Fantasy

Flayon starts to pan over a fanart of X. The screen glitches as he stares at it, saying nothing. He turns the page and the glitching stops.

MINOR: Jan 8, 2024, 【debut watchalong】o . o

Flayon revisits his debut, occasionally interrupted by glitchy moments, and ends with a brief cameo of the original pilot that got his place taken by him. Please read the summary for more information.

MINOR: Jan 13, 2024, the anxiety of happiness roon

A new Machiroon asset was introduced, which warped into a scene where a figure with swirly eyes appears. Please read the summary for a more detailed information.

MAJOR: Jan 20, 2024, Content Warning|【Machiroon Appreciation+ NEW OUTFIT】AAAAAAAAA

He compares his old outfit and his recent one, lamenting how he has changed from before.

Jan 22, 2024, UNDER NIGHT IN-BIRTH II Sys:Celes] I Need To Play Kuon Immediately #sponsored #ad

Up until this point, Flayon’s height is 171cm.

Jan 30, 2024

‘there are many me and there are many you’

Feb 7, 2024 

‘THE RUBIX CUBE IS BEATING MY ASS’

‘its a mirror cube its so confusing’

‘apparently pre debut i was able to solve stuff like this so effortlessly’

‘idk what happened’

‘i cant pilot things like I used to either’

‘the memory is so hazy’

‘but maybe its better it stays buried’

Feb 11, 2024

‘Sometimes it feels as if the R-TRUS is going to destroy me from the inside’

‘Oh-oh shut down rtrus sometimes maybe- wait can rtrus be shut down?’

‘yes

if i have no energy then he won't work

or if im too stressed then he wont work

sometimes when im inside, he'll move on his own a bit

it hasn't been happening often but every now and then’

Feb 12, 2024

‘I’m losing apart of me every time I pilot…’

Feb 13, 2024,【POKEMON UNITE】Duo's w/ The Regis ALTARE, Hero of Elysium & Your Heart

R-TRUS was found in Xenokuni and Flayon gets visits from scientists.

Feb 17, 2024, Experiencing The Wholesome Door 2 w/@Octavio_en in【The House in Fata Morgana】| Spoiler Alert!

Flayon does not have a reflection in the mirror.

Feb 17, 2024, Experiencing The Wholesome Door 2 w/@Octavio_en in【The House in Fata Morgana】| Spoiler Alert!

Flayon questions if the person inside your reflection is a doppelganger rather than yourself.

MINOR: Feb 20, 2024, x teaser

This video is best watched in its entirety.

March 4, 2024 

‘Do you wanna know how it feels to be crushed by 100+ tons of reinforced X-metal? Just because the R-TRUS is big doesn’t mean your death will be quick You’ll feel your bones pull apart and slip out Your eyes will leave your sockets ever so slowly and if I aim right I can play’

‘around with you like food. not to mention if I choose to absorb your very life force into the R-TRUS It’s the equivalent of taking out your soil and throwing it into a sea of memories. You’ll experience all the pain of everyone who met their death to me Just when you think it’s’

‘over, the cycle will loop and I’ll use your remains as fuel which I will then have concentrated into energy that flows through my spinal cord Basically you’ll be connected to my nervous system and have to share each and every waking moment with me without being able to leave’

March 8, 2024

‘I’m getting rid of old clothes and there is a lot of oversized shirts/jackets/hoodies from school SLIGHTLY 

Nostalgic but I’m bitter about something when I see it too’

‘I have one green jacket that is made out of fleece and was way too big for me

idk how I wore that and why I would wear green’

Mar 12, 2024

‘japan public transportation so cool IM STILL CONFUSED but I can feel myself getting the hang of it just slowly’

(Someone asked if he parked the R-TRUS somewhere.)

‘i have him on standby at the guild

he keeps moving on his own sometimes

just lil twitches’

April 11, 2024, 【CORPSE PARTY】Nah, I'd Live (Does He Know?) | CONTENT WARNING

Flayon loses a lot of blood when he fights with the R-TRUS overdoing it.

April 12, 2024

‘This pilot is going to go back to sleep, that is a warning from my body that I need more rest 

Hard to understand it without the R-TRUS directly telling me what's wrong with me’

April 15th, 2024, THIS CAT IS BANNED IN 44 STATES!!!! (ROON DAY 2)

This a series of clips where he turns on the red eyed toggles.

He reaffirms that he is a genius.

April 15th, 2024, THIS CAT IS BANNED IN 44 STATES!!!! (ROON DAY 2)

Rudely responding with, ‘What’s your problem?’

April 15th, 2024, THIS CAT IS BANNED IN 44 STATES!!!! (ROON DAY 2)

Flayon with red eyes grumbles as he confirms that the outfit he’s wearing is the one he wore when he attended Elysium Academy.

April 15th, 2024, THIS CAT IS BANNED IN 44 STATES!!!! (ROON DAY 2)

Flayon with red eyes confirms that the TEMPUS members do not attend the Elysium Academy.

April 15th, 2024, THIS CAT IS BANNED IN 44 STATES!!!! (ROON DAY 2)

Flayon with red eyes questions if the viewers actually want to be crushed by the R-TRUS.

April 15th, 2024, THIS CAT IS BANNED IN 44 STATES!!!! (ROON DAY 2)

Flayon with red eyes calls viewers filthy.

April 20, 2024,【UNARCHIVED KARAOKE】LET'S PARTY WITH THE BOYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY 🎂🎈【OFF COLLAB】

He turns into particles to teleport in and out of the R-TRUS. The sensations feels like it’s ripping his flesh apart, claiming that he’s used to it.

27 April, 2024

This a series of tweets where he turns on the red eyed toggles.

‘Do you know how painful it is to be the only one in Elysium with this kind of fire power? No other *mechs* except MINE? No one worth my time.. Until now. Do your best or you'll just become fuel for /my/ R-TRUS.’

[responding to a tweet congratulating Flayon, and pointing out his red eyes]

‘Hah?’

27 April, 2024

[responding to a tweet saying that they’re excited to fight him in Idol Showdown, 1st tweet, 2nd tweet]

27 April, 2024

[replying to a tweet of an image of X]

‘why did you send a blank image??’

May 1, 2024

[responding to yatogami fuma, who asked flayon to come over]

‘im afraid senpai

 i want to retreat to the insides. 

while i stay outside’

May 5, 2024

Flayon is referencing a monologue of his first post on Twitter/X, with updated information such as his age being 18433 years old and being put on leave after being questioned over his mental stability. Original monologue

My name is Machina X Flayon. I'm 18433 years old. I currently reside in Japan, an area associated with Xenokuni, with the rest of my guildmates and I am not married. I work as the mecha pilot for the TEMPUS GUILD, but was put on leave after the board questioned my mental stability

May 14, 2024

[responding to someone asking if he gets any weird alerts/updates from the R-TRUS when doesn’t get to use it]

‘his mental state mirrors mine’

May 14, 2024

[responding to someone asking if he’s worried he’d forget to pilot the R-TRUS if he doesn’t get to use it]

[an image of flayon with red eyes looking down disapprovingly, shadow looming over his face]

May 16, 2024, I am Hakumen. THE END HAS COME【BLAZBLUE: CENTRALFICTION】

Flayon has various weapons outside of the R-TRUS. He has his shields where he can propel off them, and his energy drinks that act as bombs that its properties similar to lava.

[pahrak-the-sinnoh-slizer]

Okay so Pokémon Legends Z-A!  What the fuck!  Wow!

One big concern I want to get out of the way first: apparently the game is going to take place entirely within Lumiose City.  And I mean, Lumiose is the biggest city in Pokémon, but what about the whole rest of Kalos?  Also how will we encounter Pokémon?  Surely they’re not all city-dwellers.  I have to wonder if this was a miscommunication, but I guess we’ll see.

Anyway: YES!!  Not only are we getting a new Legends game (PLA was immediately one of my favorite games in the series), but it’s set in the woefully under-utilized Kalos region!  Kalos is a well of untapped potential, and this has the chance to be a very striking way to finally draw it out.  They knew exactly what they were doing when they let that Z linger on-screen.  AND, not only THAT, but the franchise is taking 24 off and saving this game for NEXT YEAR!  Thank God, this is great news for GameFreak’s employees, and if Pokémon of all things sets this precedent it could have a HUGE impact on the industry.

As for why it’s “Z-A”…who knows?  I’m sure at least part of it is the creators wanting to come up with a more unique name, which is fair.  The hyphen makes it seem like a range covering the entire alphabet, which could signify something all-encompassing, and reversing it to go from end to beginning likely plays into the cycle of life and death represented by Xerneas and Yveltal (in this case, death must occur for new life to take its place, or something along those lines).

I’m glad (and amused) that they specifically showed Furfrou in the teaser, as it’s currently one of the last few Pokémon yet to be available in a mainline Switch game.  After this, I believe it’s just Patrat/Watchog and the Elemental Monkeys?  Maybe they’ll toss them all in to finish rounding things out.

Part of me does wonder if the prevalence of Unown in the Presents could be significant…but probably not.  As the world’s biggest Unown fan I adored their sidequest in PLA, but Unown haven’t appeared in Kalos previously and it would make more sense to revisit Zygarde Cells for this sort of quest.

And Mega Evolution!  Honestly it feels a bit weird to say it’s “back” when it’s remained prevalent in everything but the mainline games, but I’ll get over it, I’m still thrilled!  Mega Evolutions in a Legends game!  I have to imagine we’ll get some additional information on it; there’s a good chance the game will feature Kalos’s first discovery of Mega Evolution, too.  On the chance of getting new Megas…I don’t want to get my hopes up, but it would make a lot of sense!  Though I definitely still want new regional forms too.  Maybe I’m being greedy.  But speaking of forms, if the do give new forms to Xerneas and Yveltal, I hope they look better than Dialga and Palkia’s Origin Formes, those still bother me.

I’m personally hoping this one won’t be an isekai.  PLA did end up utilizing it well enough, but I’d still prefer to stay as grounded in this particular time period as possible.  Something about giving you a magic smartphone in ye olde past just feels…I dunno, patronizing?  But since Arceus probably won’t be involved this time and I don’t see any of the XYZ trio opening time portals, I think there’s a good chance of avoiding the isekai angle.  One related thing that brings to my attention is space-time distortions; they’d probably be a poor fit here on a thematic level, so I hope they’re able to come up with a good stand-in.  Maybe Mega energy suddenly flares up in a region and affects the Pokémon?  Will we encounter wild Megas?  Wait, Alphas are still a thing, right…?

Come to think of it, how will the Pokédex be handled?  I really liked the approach of creating the region’s first Dex; perhaps it could be an element of this “redevelopment” process?  I hope so.  Anyway I could list things I want to see for hours but I think this is sufficient to communicate what sort of headspace I’m in regarding this announcement.  Hon hon hon baguette Prism Tower, everyone!

[summerwritesfics]

🪦♠️You Poor Sweet Innocent Thing, Dry Your Eyes And Testify

Pairing: Hanzo Hasashi/Kuai Liang Length: 1539 Words Rating: Mature Warnings: Abduction, Whump, Whumpee!Kuai Liang, Whumper!Quan Chi, Revenge, Blood and Injury, Freeze Response, Degradation, Creepy Whumper, Implied/Referenced Torture, Home Invasion (Sorta I guess?), Implied/Referenced Character Death, Non-Consensual Touching, Hanzo isn’t here but the fact he & Kuai are together is a big plotpoint so??? @badthingshappenbingo: I Have You Now, My Pretty

Bad Things Happen Bingo Masterlist - It’s Better To Be Broken Than To Break Masterlist

Notes: good news; this is the last fic I’m posting in this particular batch (this should post from my queue on Tuesday/Wednesday maybe depending on timezone I think). 😂 Bad news; I’ll be back next weekend, I still got a hell of a lot of backlog to get through lol. Did this one for another bingo card, but it made me remember a similar premise I’d had of a series of whump fics with Quan Chi kidnapping Kuai Liang to get revenge on Hanzo and torturing him. Sooo… I’m kinda revisiting that now 😭 It is legit just so I can have an excuse to write nasty whump fics of poor Kuai lol. Title is from Sweet Sacrifice by Evanescence

It was a loud bang that awoke him.

Kuai Liang shot upright in his bed, looking around the dark room, groggy and confused. He was staying at the Fire Gardens, he remembered that much, although he was alone in Hanzo’s quarters. His husband had been called out for an emergency in the early evening, and didn’t believe he’d be back until the morning.

As Kuai was about to settle back down, believing the bang was probably a Shirai Ryu recruit or guard dropping something, there was another sound. One that was slightly more worrying, given it sounded like a scream.

He threw the covers off of him, scrambling to get out of bed. This wasn’t his clan, but he still owed it to Hanzo to make sure everyone here was safe. He ran towards the door, throwing it open to go and investigate.

Only to be met with two red eyes staring at him in the darkness.

Before he could react, he felt himself being hit by some sort of energy. There was nothing he could really do to stop himself from flying backwards, until he painfully slammed into the wall. As he slid down, he groaned slightly, trying to scramble to stand up. He felt his wrists being jerked backwards, a green glow engulfing them and pinning him against the wall. Footsteps began to approach him, and he snapped his head around to see who his assailant was.

Standing in the doorway, looking down at him with a predatory grin, was none other than Quan Chi.

“Well, this is interesting isn’t it?” Quan Chi taunted, sauntering over towards where he had Kuai Liang trapped. “I had heard that you had both made amends, but I would never have expected Scorpion to actually bed you.”

“You-“ Kuai’s breath hitched. “You’re supposed to be dead.”

“Did you really believe I wouldn’t have a contingency plan for the event of my death?” Quan Chi rolled his eyes. “What sort of necromancer do you take me for?”

Kuai snarled and tried to jerk forward, the restraints on his wrists stopped him however. Quan Chi gave a dramatic sigh, flicking his hand in Kuai’s direction. His head snapped backwards, and when he glanced down, that same green magic was snaking around his neck.

“I will admit, I am disappointed that Scorpion isn’t here to greet me.” Quan Chi reached Kuai Liang’s feet, sneering down at him. “I was expecting such a heartfelt reunion.”

“I will never tell you where he is,” Kuai defiantly snarled, holding his head as high as he could. Quan Chi could torture him for an eternity and he would not talk. He would not be broken so easily.

“How noble,” Quan Chi sarcastically spat, tilting his head and glancing Kuai up and down with slow deliberate movements of his eyes. “Maybe you won’t tell me where he is, but I suspect if he thought you were in danger, he’d come running anyway, wouldn't he?” Quan Chi chuckled, “you’re welcome, by the way, for training him into such a good guard dog.”

“He would not fall for such a thing so easily.” Although a lump in his throat was forming. He would hope Hanzo would see such a thing as an obvious trap. He would hope Hanzo would know Kuai had spent his entire life being trained to be able to take the worst tortures imaginable. He wasn’t something fragile that’d break at the slightest impact. That Hanzo would be wise enough not to come alone, and to bring back up.

Quan Chi’s chuckle indicated he did not think as highly of Hanzo’s impulse control.

“Do you think so? I have already killed one lover of his, do you really think the idea of history repeating won’t drive him to despair?”

Kuai swallowed, hating that Quan Chi had a point. Harumi’s death had clearly permanently traumatised Hanzo, how the hell would he react to the possibility of Kuai dying as well?

“While I am a little disappointed that Hanzo wasn’t here to greet me, I think this has offered me a far better opportunity.” Quan Chi knelt down, reaching a hand forward to cup Kuai’s chin. He tried to jerk his head away, but fingers dug in deep and forced his head still. “I certainly do not mind taking his newest whore as a consolation prize.”

Kuai bared his teeth. Not because Quan Chi called him a whore, he’d been called that word one too many times for it to have any sting. It was more the implication of the word “newest”. Quan Chi was indirectly calling Harumi a whore, and even though Kuai had never met her, he would not allow such disrespect to be directed at her.

“You will not speak of Harumi in such ways.” That response had Quan Chi cackling.

“How sweet. I’m sure if she were alive she’d appreciate you protecting her honour,” Quan Chi sneered, licking his lips as he did. “I will admit to one thing, however.” He began to run his thumb along Kuai’s lips. Kuai tried to move away again, but all that accomplished was Quan Chi pressing down harder. “Hanzo at least has a habit of picking aesthetically pleasing partners.”

Those words being used towards him, however, made his stomach drop. There was an insidious tone that made him want to curl up into a ball and never be touched again. The way Quan Chi’s thumb kept ghosting over his lips made bile gather in the back of his throat. There was a voice in his head telling him to fight back, bite the thumb pressed to his mouth and spit it out.

But he didn’t.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a freeze response to danger. Usually he was very fight or flight, maybe even fawning occasionally depending on the person. But to freeze up? He hadn’t done that since he was a child.

He felt something sharp pushing down against his collarbone. Whatever it was dragging across his skin, causing it to sting. He glanced down, seeing a knife gliding across. It wasn’t digging in enough to cause much damage, but it was enough to leave a red trail behind it. Blood began to seep out of the wound, and Quan Chi finally released Kuai’s face. He ran his hand along the cut, before slamming his hand against the wall. Kuai turned to look, as Quan Chi removed his hand he’d left a faint bloody handprint against the wall.

“Merely a message for your beloved. Nothing you need to worry your pretty little head about.” His hand returned to Kuai’s face, and Kuai could smell the blood still staining it.

“S-Stop,” he whispered, and fuck did he sound absolutely pathetic. Why was his fight response not kicking in? Hell he’d take flight at this point, for as much as a coward as it made him feel. At least he wasn’t fawning, he’d never be able to look at his own reflection if he ever fawned over Quan Chi of all people.

“Where’s all that bravado gone, Kuai Liang?” Quan Chi flicked his wrist, and Kuai felt his arms being pulled down. When he looked, he saw green magic encircling him, keeping him bound in place. “Just minutes ago you were baring your teeth like a bitch.”

Quan Chi stood, grabbing the collar of Kuai’s shirt as he did, yanking Kuai up with him. The voice in his head was screaming again. This was a perfect time to fight back. To break free of the binds and escape.

Why am I not fighting back?

As Quan Chi pulled Kuai close to him with one arm, the other reached for his hair to pull on it.

“I’m sure The Lin Kuei taught you to take as much pain as possible, hm?” Quan Chi gave a harsh pull on his hair, and Kuai hissed ever so slightly. “I’m going to have fun figuring out just how much you can actually stand.” He smirked. “I can’t wait to hear you scream.”

“H-Hanzo-“

“Like I said, Hanzo will come running the second he realises you’re gone.” Quan Chi raised his hand, opening a portal. Through the swirling magic, Kuai could see the Netherrealm’s hellfires. “And once I’ve disposed of him? Well…” Quan Chi’s mouth split into a terrifying grin. “I guess there’s no reason that I can’t keep you.” He ran the back of his hand across Kuai’s cheek. “I have so been longing for a new pet.”

Before Kuai could respond, he felt himself being pushed through the portal. He hit the rough ground hard, the air being knocked from his lungs. Looking up just in time to see Quan Chi step through, and the portal closing behind him. This was a point of no return, he knew even if his fight came back to him right now, he was truly screwed. The heat of the Netherrealm would start to affect his powers soon, and that was assuming he’d even be able to find a portal to Earthrealm nearby.

Quan Chi cracked his knuckles, looking at Kuai like he was a prize he’d just won.

“Well, then, there is no time like the present. Where should we begin, Kuai Liang?”

[cosmiccannibalcamille]

YOUR September Horoscope

Somehow we’ve found ourselves in month nine of 2024, celebrating the 9th new moon of the year. That’s right, it is officially September. How we got from January to now, I’ll never know, but what I do know is that this month has its fair share of planetary transits. And there is at least one planetary transit that is guaranteed to shake up your world even more than the realization that summer is nearly o-v-e-r. 

     No, it’s not Uranus retrograde, which kicks off the month. It’s not even the Virgo new moon on Sept. 2 (aka today) or eclipse season, which starts Sept. 17. It’s Pluto retrograde in Capricorn. That’s right, the outer planets—Uranus, Saturn, Neptune, and now Pluto—are all in retrograde motion, meaning the universe is hitting rewind on some unresolved issues. If you thought you had tied up loose ends, think again. This month is all about revisiting the past, making necessary tweaks, and maybe even giving the cosmic middle finger to anything that’s holding you back. 

     These retrogrades have already impacted me! My book release for Jupiter Returns has been pushed back a few days, but it is very nearly finished and I CANNOT be more excited. (Seriously, as we’ve finalizing edits and formatting for the novel, I’ve just fallen more in love with it. It’s hilarious! It’s heartfelt! And it’s soooo much fun!! I’ll be posting another chapter of the novel THIS WEEK). Anyway, that’s the general gist of September. Here’s the actual astrology:

Sept. 1 - Uranus stations retrograde, 27°

Sept. 1 - Pluto Rx re-enters Capricorn, 29°

Sept. 2 - Virgo New Moon, 11°

Sept. 4 - Mars enters Cancer

Sept. 9 - Mercury enters Virgo

Sept. 17 – Eclipse season begins with Lunar Eclipse in Pisces, 25°

Sept. 22 - Sun enters Libra

Sept. 22 - Venus enters Scorpio

Sept. 26 - Mercury enters Libra

     As you can see, I have not gone into great, GREAT detail about each and every planetary transit happening this month; I save such things for the weekly forecast. However, because this month essentially starts on a new week, I’ll go into those details as I explore the major astrology in the works. That said, let’s dive in, shall we?

Sept. 1 - Pluto & Uranus Rx

     On September 1st, Uranus joins the retrograde parade, staying in reverse until January 2025. This pulls focus to the Taurus part of your chart, and all the ways you are still yearning to either shake things up, wake things up, or rebel against the status quo and do things differently. Also happening on Sept. 1, Pluto re-enters Capricorn for one final hurrah before it takes up permanent residence in Aquarius on November 19th.

     Pluto’s last lap in the 29th degree of Capricorn is like a final exam on the lessons of stability, power, and transformation. The 29th degree is a fame degree, a critical degree, and an anaretic degree. You might be reckoning with something BIG. (Your horoscope for Anaretic Pluto Retrograde in Capricorn drops this Friday!)

     Expect some pushback this month, especially when it comes to transformation. The status quo isn’t going down without a fight, so brace yourself for some serious resistance—whether in your personal life or the world at large. But remember, this is the turning point. Are you ready to step into the new world, or are you clinging to the past like a millennial with a flip phone?

Sept. 2 - Virgo New Moon

     Feeling a little sluggish? You’re not alone. The New Moon in Virgo on Sept. 2 is all about getting your life in order, but with Mars in Gemini squaring Neptune Rx in Pisces, it might feel like you’re trying to organize a sock drawer while underwater. The vibe is sober, maybe even a bit blah, so make sure you’re taking care of yourself—physically and mentally. It’s all about balanced living right now, so eat your veggies and keep your energy levels in check. You’ll thank yourself later. Get YOUR Virgo New Moon horoscope here. 

Sept. 7 - 14 - Mid-Month Musings

     September 7th to 9th is when things start to get interesting. Mercury in Leo squares Uranus in Taurus, and the Sun in Virgo opposes Saturn in Pisces. Translation: your curiosity is piqued, and you’ve got the discipline to tackle those big, overwhelming tasks you’ve been avoiding. New solutions might come out of nowhere—be open to them. By the 9th, Mercury slips into Virgo, urging you to methodically sort through whatever insights you’ve just stumbled upon.

     By September 12th, the Sun squares Jupiter, and Venus trines it on Sept. 14. This is your cosmic green light to finally tackle those projects you’ve been neglecting. Want to bring some beauty and harmony into your daily grind? Now’s the time. Just don’t go overboard with the indulgences—Jupiter can be a bit of a glutton.

Get the FULL SCOOP on the astrology of September (including your HOROSCOPE) on The Cosmic Almanac

[theawakenedstate]

3 Spiritual Awakening Beginner Lessons I Would Pay to Know Now

Here are three key lessons that I learned on my spiritual awakening journey that honestly I wish I would’ve known at the beginning.

So, If I was a spiritual beginner or if I was new to spiritual awakening, these are the top three lessons that I wish I would’ve known at the beginning to really propel me forward on my own awakening journey, where I didn’t feel like I needed to trial and error everything.

There’s so much growth that happens when we do trial and error, but at the same time, I really wished there was like a roadmap or a guide or something that was easy to access that would’ve helped me on my journey. Let me save you some frustration, Time, and let’s be real RELIEF – When it comes to the spiritual awakening Journey.

Spiritual Awakening can be Challenging but it doesn’t have to be

Spiritual Awakening can be challenging when we’re first waking up, there are all sorts of discoveries and emotional rollercoasters. It causes a direct Mental and physiological shift on our reality. However, where it can go wrong for many people is when you start listening to the people who keep telling you Ascension is all about suffering and spiritual growth is about Pushing through your pain.

Now of course if you know me i am not remotely about spiritual bypassing anything, Pain DOES lead to growth. In the same way when you start a workout routine, your whole body might be incredibly sore and you want to sit on your ass for the next few days doing nothing – because you’re growing a new muscle you never grew before.

Our negative stories often reveal our positive strengths, and Polarity is a very real thing that universally exists since the beginning of time as we know it. At the same time, living in a Victim Mentality with your Spiritual Awakening and ascension symptoms is of disservice to yourself. It’s a VERY common problem that occurs and people are taught that it’s the only normal way of ‘ascension’. I stand up and CALL B.S.

I’ve met many people out there who are like that, where it’s just like, well, this is just another wave of ascension, so I better buckle down and handle it. You don’t have to live that way! While maybe i’ll get some triggered from this, i find it Ridiculous that it’s almost brainwashed into people especially if you’re NEW to the process.

AND on top of it, if you’re a spiritual seeker, you’ll eat that right up and think that’s the only way, which isn’t remotely true.

You can heal your Symptoms, you can manage your energy and you can also learn how to live from soul alignment so that you can even manifest a reality where you have hardly ANY SYMPTOMS. I know you can, because i’m living proof of it and so are many of my clients.

It lives in understanding your Energy and Your higher self.

There’s a Beautiful, Empowered, and Peaceful side of Awakening

I think it’s important to touch on, there is also a beautiful side of spiritual awakening. When you’re successfully navigating your spiritual awakening, you can start to own your intuitive gifts & your personal power. As you build your relationship to higher self, you begin to strengthen your intuition and your natural inherited manifesting capabilities. There’s so much beauty inside of spiritual awakening, and one of the things I’ve really been doing really just over the past three months is as I’m starting to write this book, I’ve just been really revisiting some of these core foundational concepts.

And it’s interesting how Awakening Has that spiral staircase effect where it’s like, wow, I wasn’t even seeing it like that before, but now it makes so much more sense.

So I wanna share with you in this week’s episode, what are the three lessons that I wish I would’ve known from the start of my journey

If you’re an Awakened Beginner or new to spirituality, these are the 3 key lessons I wish i knew from the start that would of helped me so so much. enjoy!

WATCH ON YOUTUBE

LISTEN ON THE PODCAST

What do you think? What are your own top spiritual lessons? I’d love to know! Let’s get a mass chain of spiritual lessons in the comments! 😼

Subscribe for weekly drops every Friday 🙏

P.S. The Soul Aligned Life Membership will be opening it’s doors this month! This is my monthly membership for learning how to take back control of your thoughts, and learn to navigate your spiritual awakening successfully! Stay Tuned in as a VIP by Signing up for my New series THE SPIRITUAL AWAKENING ROADMAP !

psttt, If you like this Episode, please share on socials (button below) and pin it for others to find! Thanks so much.

https://www.theawakenedstate.net/3-spiritual-awakening-beginner-lessons/

3 Spiritual Awakening Beginner Lessons I Would Pay to Know Now

Here are three key lessons that I learned on my spiritual awakening journey that honestly I wish I would’ve known at the beginning. So, If I was a spiritual beginner or if I was new to spiritual awakening, these are the top three lessons that I wish I would’ve known at the beginning to really […]

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2023 Having another tired day for a couple of reasons. One is that I just kept waking up and the other is my own dumb fault for turning off the sound machine when I thought I was getting up but wasn’t. Toni or someone around here must have been doing something because a bang woke me up. Tom heard it too but wasn’t sure where it was coming from. I’m guessing Toni was doing something in her carport or maybe even going into her storeroom. These houses are so damn close. Like closer than any other house I’ve ever lived in before.

Ended up taking a nap and that helped perk me up a bit. Not going to be doing much tonight other than writing and hitting the road. Maybe I’ll even hit the vibration platform and paint or draw a bit. The platform is not going to reshape this big old body if I don’t do it enough. Love the way it pulls my waist in and makes my clothes fit better.

I’m still not sure I believe I’ll be able to handle this dose but I do have a couple of symptoms that I’m surprised to be noticing as much being under 10. For one I’m still pretty cold, and secondly, the scale is the biggest telltale sign. I’m still up a pound or two. That may simply be an age thing, though. Women gain weight in increments until they’re around 65. So, 7 more years of gaining if I’m really unlucky. I’m still going to try to back off the sweets as much as I can. Even if it doesn’t cause me to lose weight it would make it harder to gain more. I still don’t think I could ever stand to diet because even if I could get results, it still means going hungry for way too long. But yeah, I don’t feel like this dose is going to push my TSH too low. I still feel good physically and emotionally like I’m nowhere near the standard normal range. At least so far.

Watching a documentary called Audrie and Daisy on Netflix and damn! To know that some forms of sexual misconduct are considered a misdemeanor while what you write can be a felony depending on the color of the people involved is pretty damn despicable.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2023 Ugh, the bitch’s obnoxious boyfriend just roared out of here for the night after sitting there running and gunning the fucking motorcycle for a few minutes. I keep hoping someone will complain or they’ll break up, but people that age don’t usually break up. The bastard is here nearly every day that I’m surprised he doesn’t just move in.

And now for my shocking, wonderful, and somewhat concerning news. My TSH is 8.97! It shocked the shit out of me when I saw that. I really thought I was looking at the wrong results from a different date and had to go out and then back into where I was checking to make sure it was correct. Just then I got a message from a Galileo nurse confirming I really was an 8. My T4 is 1.3. I had no idea my TSH could drop that fast in just 3 weeks. That’s 8 points! This explains the increase in energy I’ve had lately.

So I’m surprised and I’m pleased but a little worried as it’s only been a couple of weeks since I stepped up to all 88s and it hasn’t fully accumulated in my body. I worry my TSH is going to end up being pushed too low. Like below 6 which seems to be my threshold. I told the doctors I thought maybe I should go back to taking 75 twice a week or at least once a week but they insisted I stick with all 88s and will check in with me in a week and revisit the idea of dose changes then if necessary. I agreed but I still don’t think I can handle this dose. It’s just a question of how many weeks it will take before the side effects get me. It’s going to take another 4 to 6 weeks for this dose to fully accumulate in my system.

Regardless, I’m glad my body finally got the hang of how to absorb the stuff without a gallbladder! I still think it had to do with that more than inconsistent dosing because again, that would be a hell of an inconsistency! I’ve never had that problem before where I increased my dose, however slight it may have been, just to have my TSH keep rising. For now, I’m just hoping to hell that no matter where the numbers end up, I don’t end up feeling like I’m on fire with an HR through the roof and my ass constantly on the toilet. I’m definitely waiting only a half hour instead of an hour before coffee! The endo said that would be fine, anyway. I’m glad I still have 75s left over in case I’m right and trouble inevitably erupts.

I messaged my endo through the portal which will take a few days to get a reply from, of course, and let her know I decided to pass on the Synthroid, the pharmacy she recommended doesn’t allow insurance, and that my TSH came down.

Galileo thinks I should still keep my appointment with her but said that if I didn’t feel comfortable with her, they could recommend someone else. I’m not sure that anyone else would necessarily be better so I’ll stick with this one for now. It will be interesting to see if she still insists on taking the Synthroid.

Got some flavored K-Cups today and next I’m waiting on a set of a dozen neon-colored metallic nail polishes. It’s the same set I had in California. Great colors, great quality.

We also got a new paper cutter which I wish we had every time I go to frame a diamond painting, among other things. This one should be easier to store and use because it’s not as big.

The only bad news I have today is that the fucking garbage truck woke me up. Yeah, they came in with the one that’s jet engine loud. Every time they do, I fear it’s going to become the norm. I do NOT want to go back to being woken up on trash days just like old times, and here it’s twice a week rather than once a week. So, because of it, I’m kind of tired tonight and not quite up to doing all I had planned to do. I wanted to do some more painting but I just don’t have the energy and I don’t think I’m going to get many miles on the road either. I’m between Saltillo and Monterey, Mexico right now. 2667 miles to go! I reckon the next challenge will be out soon so I’ll take a break from my trip to do that when it comes out. My rank is now in the 140s.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2023 I was quite stunned to learn that I slept through the loud mower the other day. So yeah, the “doghouse” was more or less a training thing to get me used to sleeping here and soon I should hopefully not need it. I don't want to take it down until after the honker returns and I sleep through his motorcycle and see if Ray stays quiet. The mower right outside the window is definitely louder than the motorcycle across the street so there's hope. There's no way I'm taking the soundproofing out of the windows, though, even if it means giving up having natural light in there in the daytime.

Went to the lab and totally regret requesting to go there because as soon as I messaged them yesterday the symptoms stopped. I should have given it a little more time because whenever it's connected to my TSH getting too low, the symptoms don't stop until I scale back the meds. I should have also had common sense to know that my TSH couldn't drop that fast. I'm sure by now I'm close to 20. :-(

Tom and I talked about it and we don't think Synthroid would make a difference and we both agree it's connected to the loss of my gallbladder. My gut feeling says so, the timing can't be a coincidence, and if it was a matter of inconsistent dosing, my numbers wouldn't be so extreme. The numbers may fluctuate a few points but they wouldn't keep going up and up and up so drastically, too. You're talking about going from 7 to almost 20.

The question is whether or not increasing my dose is the answer or if it'll work itself out on its own. We decided to wait and see what the numbers are and then decide where to go from there as far as what to do and what to take. I'm keeping the appointment with the endo for now but may cancel later on. I just don't know if I like or trust this doctor.

It was also ridiculous how I was the first appointment after lunch as even her nurse said, yet I had to wait over half an hour for her. After about 35-40 minutes of waiting, the nurse came in to ask how we were doing and I said that the wait was frustrating since it was right after lunch, and she said she would remind the doctor again that I was waiting. Well, I hate to say it but I kind of question any doctor that has to be reminded that she has a patient waiting for her.

I'm not going to do much with the treadmill and Bowflex at this time due to the weather but I'm going to do the vibe platform most days of the week, which is indoors where it's cool and dry.

I think I'll move out of my closet now and into the kitchen, even if it means listening to planes until midnight. I don't understand for the life of me why I can't get used to the damn things after nearly a decade of living with them. Why is it so damn annoying to me, even though it's not that loud and it's not the type of sound most people hate, like nails on a chalkboard?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2023 Okay, time to write about my visit with the endo yesterday, and I can’t say I was too impressed with her even though she did acknowledge that my personal normal could be higher than the standard range and that yes, the medication can cause anxiety.

She said she didn’t think the cholecystectomy was involved and that she thought it was a matter of inconsistent dosing because Levothyroxine is an off-brand despite the fact that medication sold in the US must be regulated. In other words, if I was getting blanks or at least partial blanks, you would think they would have picked up on that. But she said that with the off-brand, you never know how consistent it is or what country it was made in, etc.

Then she told us to contact a pharmacy (all the way in Lakeland) to get Synthroid which is the name brand and that they would work with our insurance company. However, when we went to the site, we found that Synthroid is the only thing they sold and they wouldn’t have anything to do with insurance. You had to pay out of pocket only. While we certainly can’t say anything for sure, it made us wonder if she was possibly getting kickbacks. Especially since we found we could get the stuff from Walgreens and pick it up in person for a little less.

She told me that taking a more consistent medication couldn’t crash my TSH down too low and tried to convince me - perhaps a little too adamantly - that we’re only talking about going from 15 to about 10. I asked my doctors for their opinion as to whether or not it could drop my TSH too low and they said there was no way to know but should be good all around. They also offered to test me sooner than 3 months from now if I wanted. The endo gave me an order to get tested in 3 months and I’ll see her again at the end of January unless I decide not to.

The endo also told me, when I asked to confirm that the fatty tumor on the end of my adrenal gland couldn’t be a problem, that an ultrasound couldn’t see that.

Then I did a little research and found that Synthroid shouldn’t be any better than Levothyroxine, Levoxil, and the other off-brands. They’re all supposed to be the same except that Synthroid doesn’t have any fillers, and I’m not allergic to fillers anyway. But I found that they should all work the same and effectively.

For the last few days, I’ve had the runs and didn’t think much of it. But then yesterday, I noticed that I’ve been feeling warm and my HR is on the rise, sometimes spiking to 120. I appreciate the pound I lost and the extra energy I’ve had these last few days but here’s what I think has been going on. I think the cholecystectomy did indeed affect thyroid absorption because as the GI doc said, it can take the body 4-6 months to adjust to life with no gallbladder. The timing is just too much of a coincidence. I think that now, however, it’s getting the hang of how to absorb the Levothyroxine without the gallbladder in the picture. Despite being a progressive disease, I can’t believe my thyroid would die off that much that fast.

So I’d like to get into the lab ASAP to see where I’m at. Again, I get that I don’t have the doctor’s training, but I have lived in this body for nearly 58 years and I know what’s normal for it and what’s not. I’m also not sure I want to switch to Synthroid or deal with this doctor. I just don’t trust in-person doctors as much as I trust my virtual docs, granted I understand that some things can’t be virtual like HIDA scans, etc. But I think my docs and I can manage this together. She told me if I had a problem to call the office and wait two business days to hear back from her but when you’re really feeling that bad, you don’t want to wait! The last time I took 88 every day when I still had a gallbladder, it dropped my TSH to a 2 which is much too low for me and I want to know if I’m heading back in that direction again, based on my symptoms. So that’s why I asked to take up their offer to go to the lab.

The nurse, who was the only one from here (receptionist sounded English and the doc was Indian), tested my blood sugar at 101 which was pretty good after eating.

Instead of “strangling” me to feel the thyroid, this one pinched my neck in 3 different places along the front and it didn’t tickle. I asked her if she felt I needed an ultrasound, and she said no, even though it’s been 9 years. So with all the doctors that have felt it over the years, I’d say that no, it’s not enlarged.

Just heard back from my doctor. Like I would ever hear back from my endo that fast! LOL. Anyway, they said they have no problem with repeat labs and were concerned with some of my symptoms, particularly the heart spike, and know I’ve had that problem before. They asked if I’d seen the cardiologist yet and as I told them, that and the echo is next month. I also said I don’t think my TSH is at 2 yet, but I worry I could be heading there. Plus, this dose where I take 88 every day isn’t fully ramped up in my system yet.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2023 On the road now to see my new endo so I’ll type and share this later as I’m writing in a paper journal at the moment.

Slept amazingly well and have amazing energy! For months I worried I wouldn’t make it or would be exhausted. Now I just have to hope this doctor isn’t a denier when it comes to levothyroxine and anxiety and that she doesn’t tell me she’s never heard of cholecystectomies and rising TSH levels.

Tom brought up a good point when he said he questioned the gallbladder connection because it was already so dead. I think there’s a connection, though. The timing can’t be a coincidence. Or can it? Besides, going from 17% to 0% is still something. Gastritis and thyroid cancer can also cause absorption issues but there’s no way I could have cancer. I’d have other symptoms if I did. Still, if I stick with her, I hope she wants to do an ultrasound because it’s been a while and I’m curious about that left nodule that showed up in 2014. I want to see if it’s enlarged at all and if Doc A was right with her arthritis diagnosis when it came to that “lump” I swear I felt.

Tom got his stitches out which he said hurt more than the procedure itself with all the pulling and pinching he felt.

Tried giving Tinkerbella a bath but she hated it and fought me all the way. Because she’s such a good rat, I thought she’d be okay and maybe even enjoy it since she loves her waterfall but nope.

Tom made a divider for one of the kitchen drawers with one long side and the other side split in half, and oh my God, does it help keep things so much more organized! Going to print dividers for my dresser drawers like we did in Cali.

There have been subtle hints of fall in the air that everyone but me is thrilled about but it was pretty hot today at 94 degrees. At least it will make outdoor walking more bearable when it’s a bit cooler as well as using the treadmill and Bowflex in the lanai when energy levels allow me to.

Made a small Temu order and got a couple more stencils and a couple of brushes with long handles. One for cleaning the rat’s cage shelves and the other for my big water cup. There are also these pieces of silicone shaped like credit cards I got for spreading paint.

Had a dream we lived next to Ray as we do in real life but he had a three-story house with lots of big windows and even a cellar. We headed out and saw he had lights on, even in the cellar, as we passed his place.

Then (I don’t know if this was part of the dream) we were in a large multi-story building with various shops in it. He was off somewhere in another store while I browsed through a boutique. I was on the top floor and there didn’t seem to be anyone else around. Suddenly, the lights went out and it was pitch dark. When I called out to see if anyone was around, I heard someone breathe or sniffle, so I knew someone was there. The fact that they wouldn’t answer me made me uneasy.

Through the dark, I managed to find the elevator. It opened into a long room that seemed like a waiting room of some kind. There was a row of chairs and a couch. The room was empty except for one young guy. He not only seemed happy to see me but to my surprise, he also seemed to like what he saw despite my age. I sat on the end of the couch to wait for Tom because I didn’t know where he could be.

Suddenly, I woke with a start, realizing I had fallen asleep. So had the guy who was seated much too close to me. I pushed away from him and stood up.

Not seeing Tom in the room, I started to worry and became determined to find him.

“I’ve got to find him,” I said reaching for a phone on a nearby table.

The guy, now awake, asked who “he” was. Before I answered, I wondered if telling him it was my husband would make him less interested in me or more determined to pester me.

I’ll cover my visit with the endo, which I finally had, in my next entry.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2023 Been too tired to write for days. Despite being exhausted yesterday, I managed to get to my ENT and we even stopped to eat afterward at Applebee’s. The doctor was an hour late but very nice. It’s even nicer to have my ear cleaned because it was really aggravating my TMJ.

Applebee’s was good, but not great. There was the usual loud music, but at least they were kind enough to turn it down a little. I had fried fish filets with a side of fries and broccoli. I was afraid to finish it, though, because I didn’t want the grease to make me sick. So I had to remind myself that I still don’t have a gallbladder.

We got out of there just in time because a group of five, including a young kid with a loud mouth, was seated next to us as we were finishing up. I don’t understand why they put everybody right smack next to each other, especially since the restaurant was mostly empty. I could feel their movements since their booth and mine were connected, and the kid was annoying.

About a week ago, I made the jump to all 88s but I’m still so hypo that I wonder if even the maximum dose could get my TSH under control.

The B-12 seemed to mess up my stomach so I dropped that to every other day. I don’t think I’m gonna get any more when it runs out because it doesn’t do anything for my energy levels any more than the Rhodiola rosea does. I’m going to hang on to that Rhodiola rosea, though, for the next time I get anxious. Maybe it will at least help with that, along with the hydroxyzine.

There weren’t enough diamonds in the diamond painting I’m finishing up, so we contacted the seller, but I don’t expect to get the missing diamonds. We’ll likely have to purchase extras.

We got the rat one of those waterfall bowls that dogs and cats like, and she absolutely loves it! It’s so cute watching her play with it. Definitely got to get some pics.

It may be just talk, but Musk is talking about charging everybody to use Twitter to combat bots. If he does, I’m gone! And if Facebook chooses to follow in his footsteps, I’m gone from there too. I’m not paying to use any kind of social media.

I created a new profile on Facebook (not in my name of course, since Facebook just has to suggest every account I create to my friends and not give me any privacy) and will use that account like I use Twitter. It might be even better because I have a much higher character limitation on Facebook. I just wish we had more voice-posting options available in more places. I mean, what the hell is taking so long?

Finished watching a limited series on Netflix set in Germany called Dear Child. Not bad.

Then I saw The Nurse, set in Denmark about a killer nurse. It was based on a true story. In the end, all of their coworkers turned against the nurse who flushed the killer nurse out.

Only in this world do people shun people for flushing out killers, but not the woman who race-carded people into jail for something they wrote simply because she is black. No, that woman, no matter how much she instigated and did things that were definitely illegal like tossing explicit letters in mailboxes, was to be pitied and sided with at all costs.

I’m now watching Lies and Deceit set in Spain.

I was also watching a documentary about a rape victim accused of falsely filing her claim of rape and how filing a false police report is a misdemeanor. Again, only in this world could there be places where that’s a misdemeanor while what you write on paper can be considered a felony.

Came across an old excerpt in my journal from an email my mother sent me back in the 90s regarding Termite Tammy. She said she understood my frustrations with her due to how much she lies and is a sympathy junkie. Even though it’s wrong for a parent to pit one kid against another, just the fact that her own mother could say that pretty much tells you something about that termite right there.

The more I think about it, the more I’m surprised the termite never got in trouble for Munchausen by proxy. You would think that if anyone was likely to harm their own kids just to get attention through them, it would be her. Hell, she’s given her daughter bloody lips and I actually saw with my own two eyes her knock Lisa off her feet as a toddler because she slapped her so hard.

Yet, despite the years of Lisa bitching to me about how horrible her mother and stepfather were, she chose them over the aunt who once cared. But they can all have each other as I decided 4 years ago because they’re all great for each other being carbon copies of each other.

Met with Helen on the 18th but all we talked about was what was going on at the moment. On the 4th it’ll be back on with the EMDR and wondering if she’s helping me in the end, or if I’ve been throwing money away.

In another weird and detailed dream, I was sitting at a desk in the kitchen with a window in front of it. The place looked nothing like this place and neither did the outside of it. Directly across from me, I could see a woman in her window. She was close enough to see my lips moving when I spoke my thoughts out loud. I then saw her lips move. Every time I spoke, she spoke. It was as if she could literally hear me as well as see me. I smiled, and then she smiled.

Then she headed over to our place to introduce herself. I laughed and said, “This is the strangest way I’ve ever met a neighbor before.”

I noticed she had long neon orange nails and complemented them. She then stepped into our place, and I told her we just moved in so it was a bit messy. Suddenly, she reacted as if a horrible smell hit her and she was about to get sick. Then she went into the bathroom.

As I waited for her to come out of the bathroom, something hit me… How the hell could the woman have seen me through the reflective tinting in the window?

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2023 It’s nearly 5:00 in the morning and this rat has been asleep since I got up at 10:15. It’s like she thinks she’s a gerbil, LOL. Those are day rodents.

She was so cute and funny the other day. She was hanging around by my feet while I was cooking in the kitchen. Then Tom got up and went into the bathroom. She ran to the door all happy and excited. Because she has gotten a little bigger, it’s not as easy for her to shimmy under the door. But she finally decided she wanted to see him badly enough to squeeze under. It was adorable. Like a cat or a dog all excited to see its owner come home after being away at work all day.

Alyssa showed up in one of my many dreams last night. I love it when I dream of her even if they’re usually vague and even if she’s not too thrilled to see me. I don’t remember what it was about, though. Something about being at her place. I have a feeling I wasn’t exactly invited either, LOL.

Then I was happily chatting with a woman in person. We were lying on a blanket on the grass somewhere laughing and joking and I really enjoyed our conversation and hoped she would be a good friend for many years to come. So at least I did have one positive dream.

Next, we were going to be moving to New York of all places and I cringed at the thought of the cold and snow we’d be in for. I questioned in my mind whether or not it was the right thing to do but Tom insisted we would be better off there because we would make more money, not taking into consideration how expensive New York is.

Then I was exploring inside a luxurious multi-level mansion that some rich person owned. I guess I was barefoot because I marveled at how wonderful the lush, expensive high-quality carpet felt beneath my feet. Then I opened a huge glass door and realized that had I stepped forward I would have fallen many feet because there was no balcony or staircase leading down from it.

The only bad dream was Tom and I being on the run for something. I don’t know what we did but it must have been pretty serious because I believed we would never see each other again or be free if we were caught. I asked him if I would ever get another doll again (haha), wanting so desperately for any hint of optimism in his voice to suggest life could one day return to normal. I realized I would miss his reassuring ways and telling me everything would be okay along with so much more.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2023 I heard a little thump at 4:30 yesterday morning, checked the cam, and saw Ray throw a suitcase in his backseat and then take off. I wonder if he only came down because something was going on down here or if maybe he put his house up for sale and it sold quicker than expected and is going back to clean it out. Could be that the different vehicle he drove this time was actually a rental.

I’m still trying to figure out if Kim is just that stupid or she just doesn’t give a shit because she really doesn’t seem to have a clue what too much content means. First, she hit me with a long rambling message, as usual, barely 2 hours after I sent her a message and then I got a long rambling email filled with journal entries pretty much telling me the same things. Never once did she ask if it was too much or at least say she hoped it wasn’t. And everything is all about that fucking bigot Bob she works for! She’s as obsessed with him as she was with June. I’m not sure what gets more annoying, being asked the same questions over and over or hearing about the same damn people time and time again that I don’t know or care about. Why does she think I need to see her and Bob’s email exchanges? I don’t give a shit, and that should be between them anyway.

Speaking of my own journal entries, I came across another one in the 90s that tells me both my parents had high cholesterol and not just Dad.

I stopped the B-12 because it started messing with my stomach like B-complex did and didn’t seem to be giving me much more energy anyway. It’s too soon to judge the Rhodiola rosea, but it might have given me a little bit of energy and boosted my mood a tiny bit as well.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2023 “I was shown the consequences of my life, thousands of people that I’d interacted with and felt what they felt about me, saw their life and how I had impacted them. Next I saw the consequences of my life and the influence of my actions.”

The above is from an article about survivors of near-death experiences. Funny because we just talked about this and decided it’s wishful thinking for everyone we knew to ever know exactly how we felt about them. I’d like to think they’re all just hallucinating but there are thousands and thousands of stories, so it makes you wonder…could they all have the same hallucinations? With as many stories as there are, maybe there’s a reason for it but I don’t know. If so, then the only thing that has me a little worried are all the stories of those who tried to kill themselves and swear they went to hell, knowing that I’m almost certainly going to end it someday because either he goes first or the suffering gets to be way too much.

But then what about the terminally ill who kill themselves via Death with Dignity? Do they all go to hell too? If certain dreams involving my mother and grandmother weren’t just dreams, that gives me hope that it’s easy enough to escape hell, if there is one, even though they didn’t kill themselves. But then the religious freaks swear we go to hell just for lying. Show me a red-blooded human being on earth that hasn’t lied at one time or another!

If any of what I read is true, I like the idea of people knowing exactly how I felt about them and how their words and actions affected me, and I have no problem at all knowing how I affected them. I’ve always wondered at times, being the curious person that I am, what certain people I’ve known throughout my life have thought. So maybe we’ll get a chance to find that out! Did Maliheh really ghost me because she only befriended me long enough to ensure her name was kept out of my book as I think was the case? Or could she have had a problem with me liking her? Or could she have come to like me and had a problem with her liking me?

Anyway, after having 3 days of fairly decent energy I knew my luck was about to run out and it did. I’m terribly tired and so far, I don’t notice any difference with the Rhodiola rosea.

Took half of a 10 mg pill of hydroxyzine yesterday for mild anxiety and it didn’t make me drowsy or sleep forever. I slept a decent amount of time at 8 hours and got a good sleep score of 87, so I shouldn’t be tired even though I am. However, the next few days are going to be hit or miss as we get some storms rolling in. Got another few weeks of storm season.

Looking for alternatives to Grammarly because the aggressive advertising is really getting annoying as fuck. I complain, they say they’ll tell their team about it, but nothing ever changes. I think they literally want to drive away those who only want to use the free option and that they want only paying customers.

Andy will be in Florida between February 5th and 8th and OMG, this guy’s lack of compassion and empathy never ceases to amaze me. He knows I’ve been struggling and I told him about Tom’s procedure yet never once did he utter a word of support. No hoping I feel better soon, no telling Tom he hopes he feels better soon, no nothing.

I told him I would mark the dates on my calendar and do my best as long as my schedule permits it and there’s nothing else going on with me or him at the time. Instead of saying something like, “I’ll understand if you can’t make it and there’s always another time, even though I hope we can see each other because it’s been so long,” as a supportive and understanding friend would say. Instead, I get, “We haven’t seen each other in nearly 10 years.”

What I sense he really means is, “It’s been nearly 10 years since we’ve seen each other so fuck your health issues. You can do this for me.”

Am I just reading him all wrong or something? Again I’m asking myself if I did the right thing by letting him back into my life. We share a lot of funny memories but going forward we are just so damn different. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to see him. I really hope I can.

He’s excited to see a Stevie concert on a football field when he’s down here. It’s amazing how he’s been obsessed with the same person for so long. Sometimes I wish I still had some of my old obsessions but not a single dream, goal, or interest from way back when still exists except for my love of writing.

Anyway, I’ve been tired and cold and have a lot of brain fog, dry skin, hair loss, and gained another pound. Really worry and wonder how long it’s going to take to resolve this problem and what kind of hell I might have to go through to get there! Nine more days till my appointment!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2023 Making a point of getting zone minutes each day. Took a BP reading before I worked out and it actually wasn’t that bad at 129/83. Beats being in the 140s or 150s. When I was going through my apps on the Android and getting rid of stuff I don’t use anymore, I forgot I had a BP app. I’ll use that for logging readings because then all I have to do is send Galileo a screenshot when they ask for an update.

I took the lower dose of hydroxyzine yesterday and it still made me drowsy and sleep a long time (10 hrs) but I didn’t have next day drowsiness. If I’m going to get anxious, it still tends to come on in the middle of my day. So if I’m going to get hit with it, it will be between 3:00 and 4:00 yet I’m not feeling any signs of it looming so maybe I’ll be okay today. Fortunately, most of what I’ve been getting has been mild. Nothing hardcore like the end of last year or the beginning of 2021.

I’m still torn between the convenience and freedom that comes with writing for me only and keeping things private on the high-traffic sites versus sharing, meeting new people, and getting interesting feedback. For the most part these days I tend to be more private. I just don’t feel I need an audience and I am still hesitant to be that sociable knowing the potential for the trouble it may bring. Besides, there will never be another Aly, anyway.

On and off for years I’ve had a pain in my very lower left abdomen that I really hope doesn’t amount to any big deal like my gallbladder did. I suppose it could be anything from a cyst on the ovary to a muscle strain. Since cysts are less likely when you’re postmenopausal, I hope it’s just pulled muscles that I haven’t used as much since I started stepping up the cardio.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2023 I’m gonna be trying Rhodiola Rosea which is said to help with mood and energy levels. My doctor consulted with their experts, and there have been some studies to suggest that this helps with that. I ordered a bottle in liquid form. All the reviews are good, but I can’t really say which ones may be fake.

Also, since even half a tablet of hydroxyzine knocks me out and makes me sleep forever, I now have 10 mg tablets. If I feel anxious later on, I’ll try one and hopefully, it won’t be too much. If the anxiety gets that bad, though, then I’d rather deal with being knocked out and drowsy the next day. Last night was better and so is tonight. So far anyway.

Almost forgot to write about the horrible dream I had. When I woke up one day in the dream, I knew I had been raped in my sleep by a 7-foot black guy, even though I never felt, saw, or had any awareness of it happening.

The next night, I was in a restaurant and everyone in the neighborhood was present, or at least most of the people. There were about 50 people in all, including my rapist. Everyone seemed to know everyone so maybe it was a community like this one.

I stood up and demanded everyone’s attention. The room quieted and all eyes turned to me. Somehow I knew that everyone knew what happened to me. I said, “For every man in this room who supports me and doesn’t feel I deserve what I got, raise your hand.”

To my disgust, not everyone raised their hand. I continued on nonetheless and said, “This is your chance to do the right thing and stop this guy from hurting me again in the future as well as other women.”

This is where the dream ended. So if anyone went to battle for me in my defense, I don’t know.

The only positive dream I remember was flying on this weird plane, although I’m not sure if it really was a plane. You had that sensation of picking up speed along the runway and gravity pushing you back into your seat and then floating when it lifted off of the ground. So I guess it was a plane. It was just Tom and I and the pilot on whatever it was we were flying in.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2023 Slept through the mowers with no issues.

Today is the first day in a few days where I’ve had decent energy and little to no anxiety. Even half a tablet of hydroxyzine knocks me out and makes me sleep forever so my docs are calling in a prescription for 10 mg instead of 25 mg. I didn’t know they came that low.

I’ve noticed a definite pattern as far as what seems to trigger the anxiety, and the more time that passes, the more I’m convinced it is connected to the thyroid and or medication. I think hormones and what’s going on in my life have little to do with this particular feeling. Otherwise, I would have always experienced it whenever life got rough. It seems to be triggered by either being in the normal range, since for me that’s below normal, erratic dosing, rapid dosing, or being around 14 or higher. Tom thinks being on nights is a factor too.

They asked me how I felt about blood pressure medicine, and as I told them, I was hesitant because I still have times when my readings are good. So we agreed to have me try upping my cardio and see if that improves it. While I love working out in VR on the glider, it’s such a wimpy workout. They said you should be able to talk during a workout but not sing. I could definitely sing my heart out on that glider, LOL. It’s better than nothing but definitely not much of a workout since my HR rarely hits triple digits when I’m doing it. To get me into the Zone I need to hit at least 112. So if I’m not on the treadmill or jogging around the house, I need to do aerobics.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2023 “Meanwhile, my sister’s thyroid disease is turning fatal, so the hypochondriac claims. I guess they’ve tried her on different medications over the last year to no avail. She says her thyroid is so swollen it’s affected her voice and now it’s affecting her esophagus. She’s gained 17 pounds and is over 200 pounds.”

When I read the above excerpt from one of my 1997 journals I was like WTF? I don’t remember this bitch having a thyroid disease. The only one I know of that did was my mother. I swear I remember telling her when I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s and she told me her doctor once thought she had thyroid issues but it turned out that she didn’t.

Tom says it’s a sign that there’s something about my genetics and my family having problems with thyroid medication. Also in the 90s, Dad was telling me that Mom had been on Synthroid for 8 years and was having some kind of problem with her thyroid that I wish the hell I had pressed for more information on. But there was no way I could know that I would be dealing with this myself all these years later. Back then my worst problems were asthma, allergies, and an occasional flu and cold. I miss those days! God, do I miss them! I really wish I was psychic enough to see into my future to know just what kind of hell I’m going to be in for and whether or not it really is worth hanging on for.

Took magnesium and it only helped a little bit to take the edge off of my anxiety and down mood we’re guessing is due to my body not absorbing the levothyroxine, so I added half a hydro and even that makes me drowsy. But at least it does seem more helpful than magnesium.

I asked the chatbot to suggest what may help with energy and moods that I haven’t tried and it came up with something called Rhodiola Rosea so I asked my docs about it and we’ll see what they say.

Tom is still out of it too. The antibiotics have been harder on him than the procedure itself.

After the last time I bitched in my journal about them coming in with the really loud garbage truck, they went back to the softer one that you pretty much only hear when it’s close to the house. I hope that’s the way it is this week as well because I’m going to be sleeping in.

I started my next long trip and for some reason, it started me 27 miles into it. I’m out in the middle of the open desert in Mexico. Nothing but flat land with cactus and big open skies. A place I’d love to live if I was still young and healthy.

The new mini golf course, Alfheim, was released a few days ago. It’s great. Poor Tom is so frustrated that he can’t play because of the stitches on his forehead. The headset has to rest in that area.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2023 I am continuing to suffer both physically and mentally and wishing to hell that the mamo or echo would turn up something that’s going to kill me. But of course, it won’t. I’m tired as fuck and it’s affecting my emotional state as well. With the Endo being a couple of weeks away, I wonder how much worse I’m gonna get between now and then, not that I have much faith in her helping me. If there’s anything I can do or take that will help me, I have no idea what it is, and I don’t think any doctor is going to help me figure it out either. I really believe I’m hopeless. I really do. July 9th, 2014 was the start of a life sentence.

I totally want to end it all. But of course, I can’t because of Tom and Tink. But like I’ve been figuring out lately, that’s why whatever’s cursing me so badly put Tom in my life was to force me to suffer knowing I would be reluctant to end it all and hurt him. But it should also know that there’s only so much I can take. There are only so many more years I can put his feelings before my suffering. Bringing my TSH down may give me more energy, but all it’s going to do in the end is give me insomnia and anxiety instead. It’s either feel tired and down or have a little more energy, more problems sleeping, and anxiety. All I do is swap one problem for another. I never get a fucking break for more than a day or two.

I haven’t been sharing much on the more active writing platforms because I feel my words are too depressing. Sometimes I just gotta write for myself. Blogger isn’t private, but it’s pretty dead. I just want to vent without judgment or an audience.

The only thing that helps a little is to vent, play with Tink, or hit the road. We discovered that Tink really gets a kick out of playing “water games” where she loves to stick her mouth in front of the plant water bottle as we squirt water into her tray.

Ray is back. Late last night, I saw him out with a flashlight trying to figure out why he has no water. Irma says she hopes he knows he has to call the water company. He’s out of luck until Monday. The AC people were out today, and I could hear a few bumps and bangs, but nothing major. I thought that thing was brand new. Also, why is he back so soon?

I finished my trip from Spain to Norway! Since I went north in eastern Europe, I’m going to go south in western Europe from Finland to Greece, but not until I do my trip where I head northeasterly from Mexico to Maine. Then after that, I’ll head southeasterly from Canada to Florida.

In my Mexico to Maine trip, I will be heading to Texas and then through the very northwestern tip of Louisiana, then Arkansas, across the southeastern tip of Missouri, then Illinois, then I’ll barely skirt by Kentucky without entering it. From there, I’ll go through Indiana, Ohio, right up to the border of Pennsylvania, then hit New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, and finally Maine.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2023 Yesterday I had good energy and was in a good mood for someone who had just learned her TSH was continuing to rise for no apparent reason.

Today I’m cold, tired and fat. My wake-up call this time around was a loud thunderclap although I did fall back asleep relatively quickly.

I’ve been feeling blah and hopeless as far as my health goes. I really doubt I’m going to get my health back. The harder I work to get it on track the more pushed off track I get that I’m hesitant to do much more about it. Someday I’ll throw in the towel and just let it be whatever it’s going to be. I don’t have much control over the situation anyway.

No one can know for sure about these sorts of things any more than what happens after we die but I sure have been feeling like something really, really wants me to be hypo. The never-ending question is why. Just to take some of the joy out of my life? I know it’s not going to kill me anytime soon, whatever may be up there. I don’t know how I know but I just know I’m not going to have a heart attack, a stroke, or get cancer that can’t be treated anytime soon. I still think I’m going to end up killing myself someday because I’m either tired of suffering or because my husband dies or is dying. So while it’s great that I’m not going to get anything deadly anytime soon, the reasons behind this aren’t too thrilling. Yet I really feel like there’s something that wants me to live a long time so I can continue to suffer in some way or another, be it from a slew of things going on with me or the same old never-ending battles I’ve been fighting for years. My thyroid is going to be a problem all my life just like my teeth are. As soon as I get it relatively on track, something will throw things off again. Like I said, sooner or later I’m going to quit bothering to try.

It just pisses the fuck out of me when I think of all the undeserving assholes and nut jobs out there who have little more than an occasional cold while I have to suffer from one thing after another on top of the same old shit. Am I really that horrible of a person? Do I really deserve this? Why does it want me to be tired so much of the time and not feel so great emotionally? So I can’t be as active as I want to be? And if so, why??? Why does something up there want me to be hypo? Why? Why must I spend so much of my life tired?

I really thought I wouldn’t suffer until a matter of days, weeks, or maybe even months before my time was up. Not what’s going to end up being about a third of my fucking life. Besides feeling tired, cold and fat, my ear definitely needs to be cleaned. I feel the pressure that comes with it being gunked up. It seems to block my sinuses from draining properly and give me a slight headache. Of course my TMJ acts up as well. My head sort of has that feeling you get when you have a cold.

Again, no one knows for sure if there’s a God but if there is one that is actively involved in our lives and what happens to us, fuck you. Just fuck you for all the years of suffering you allowed me to endure. Fuck you for not doing more to make my life healthier and therefore happier. Fuck you for stealing my energy and my joy. Fuck you for limiting my activities. Fuck you for not giving a shit. Fuck you for my family’s shit. Fuck you for the sex and infertility shit. Fuck you for the happy healthy sex life I could have had. Fuck you for letting the freeloaders legally screw me over because I had something to say about their shit. Fuck you for the money woes. Fuck you for taking my bestie. And now … fuck you for trampling on my health and emotional well-being for the better part of a decade and for what’s no doubt the better part of two more decades to come.

Yeah, fuck you.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2023 Today serves as yet another reminder that no, God doesn’t always help those who help themselves if one even exists. Again, it’s like something wants me to be hypo! Well, if there is any God up there picking on me, it’s quite a coward. It has the guts to fuck with my health but it doesn’t have the guts to kill me.

Tom guessed that my TSH would be the same or down a point or two and I guessed it was going to be up from 14 to somewhere between 16 and 18. I’ve had enough experience with this drug and the symptoms that go with both having not enough and too much medication in me to get a good sense of where I’m at and sure enough, I’m at 16.

What’s the point of taking this shit if my body can’t absorb it anymore? I totally regret getting my gallbladder removed and I should have known that I would somehow be punished for it as I seem to be every time a significant bodily change is made in some way or another. I get braces to straighten my teeth and I start having cavities like crazy. I have ear surgery and I acquire TMJ. So why did I think things would be simple with the gallbastard? Why did I think I could simply have my gallbladder removed and have that be the end of the problem? I should have just kept the damn thing and dealt with the cramps.

I worked so long and so hard to get my TSH consistently under 10 and now it’s like the carpet has been yanked from under my feet and I have to start all over again. The question is how and with what? Again, if there is anything up there, it doesn’t have the balls to kill me so I’m going to have to figure it out if I don’t want to be so damn tired so much of the time. Hell, just thinking of my numbers makes me tired.

I wonder if I should give liothyronine another chance because I read back in my 2018 journal, and it wasn’t that I didn’t wait long enough for food and drink but I stupidly took magnesium supplements along with it, not knowing any better at the time. I’m waiting to hear back from my doctors.

I’m also worried as to how far this is going to go before it’s brought under control and at what expense. Yesterday, I felt on edge and kind of down. So there is a definite connection between my moods and not only medication consistency and dosing but TSH levels as well. I’m afraid this is going to bring the anxiety back along with whatever medication adjustments we’re going to have to make. Right now I feel like I could take the maximum dose of levothyroxine and anxious or not, it’s not going to do me any good.

Read up some more on liothyronine and while most people found it helpful, you can have the same problems with it as with levothyroxine. Well, if I’m sensitive to levothyroxine there’s no reason to think I wouldn’t be sensitive to liothyronine as well. It can cause anxiety and palpitations along with insomnia and other problems. But maybe taking T3 instead of taking T4 and hoping it will convert to T3 like it’s supposed to would be my best bet.

I haven’t gained much weight but I have gained a little. My skin is dry and my hair is falling out. I wonder how much worse the hypo symptoms are going to get, including the fatigue before this is resolved somehow. It’s just that I keep everything I gain as long as I don’t go thyrotoxic, so if I gain any more weight, I’m stuck with it forever.

Also, even though I don’t feel anything with my fingers or see anything, I feel like there’s a lump or something at the base of the left side of my neck that I didn’t notice when my TSH was lower, making me think the gland is enlarged a bit. I’ve had this feeling on and off for many years. My old doctor told me it was arthritis, but I don’t know.

While I wait for my doctors to instruct me on how to proceed, there is some good news. Although my total cholesterol is still high at 286, at least it’s under 300. My bad cholesterol and triglycerides and other things are high.

I tested negative for over 100 different autoimmune diseases, my WBC is normal, and my A1C is normal so that’s good. However, my glucose was a little high at 111. So, I’m still possibly pre-diabetic but not diabetic.

Tom’s forehead looks and feels horrible, the poor guy. He has a long line of stitches from the top of his forehead to the eyebrow. He thought it would be just a little circle but in order for them to sew the skin back together, this is how they had to do it. It almost looks like he has a black centipede sitting in the middle of his forehead, LOL. It’s also swollen and he has a headache and he too, finds that opioids don’t help much. He has to ice it on and off, take antibiotics, and put an antibiotic ointment on it. For the first 24 hours, he had to leave it bandaged. We won’t be able to golf together for a few days because the headset rests on his forehead in that area. He’s napping now which is good. He needs to sleep as much as he can so that his body heals.

I now have just under 50 miles to go to complete my Spain to Norway trip! When I’m done in 2 or 3 days, I’m going to do some small trips on my favorites list before starting my next big trip from Mexico to Maine.

Tomorrow is crazy Kim’s 43rd birthday so I’ll be sure to send an email right after midnight so she’ll have it when she gets up.

Galileo just said to keep going as I have until I see the endo since it’s their bread and butter, but they do understand how stressful and frustrating it can be to see my numbers keep climbing and have it be out of my control.

They want to discuss my cholesterol but agree to wait till after I see the endo because I’m stressed out enough. I thanked them for understanding, although I don’t know what much there is to discuss about my cholesterol if I can’t treat it. Hopefully, it will come down a little more if we can ever get my TSH relatively normal again.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2023 Starting to feel a bit off emotionally. I’m just not sure if I feel more down or anxious. I guess I’m mostly in a blah mood. The question is how much of it is physiological and how much of it is the fact that I feel like my life is pretty much over. I just can’t bring back that old excitement of moving on to new things, or at least hoping to anyway.

I really miss some aspects of my old life. I really do. Never thought I would say this but I miss some of those old feelings. And damn do I miss Aly!

While I’m not feeling the greatest emotionally, Tom’s not feeling the greatest physically. He got his squamous spot removed and says it’s given him a headache and almost feels like it’s squeezing his eye shut. He went to bed early. He has to ice it on and off and he was given an opioid for the pain as well as antibiotics. He didn’t want to take the painkiller before bed in case it slowed his heart too much in his sleep.

I never got my lab results today. I didn’t realize it could take a week to do A1C and RA testing. Wish they could have at least given me the results they do have. My shitty TSH is definitely done now.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2023 I totally have to stop entering sweepstakes. This isn’t 20 years ago anyway when it was possible to win these things. All it’s doing is generating spam calls.

Tom is at the doctor now getting the cancerous spot removed from his forehead. Hopefully, they won’t have to cut too many layers before they get it all.

I, on the other hand, am waiting for all my horrible numbers to come in after going to the lab yesterday. They were a few minutes late for my appointment but they had no trouble getting the four vials of blood they needed without a butterfly needle. Remembering that one of the vampires said that the butterfly needle caused the blood to drain into the tube slower, I decided to see if they could get it without one and they did.

I looked at my mood tracker app for August and found I had 12 tired days for that month and 2 anxious days. I’m just glad the anxiety only lasted a couple of days! I was worried I was on the verge of another bad spell.

I realized something as well. If I’m right in that my normal is between 6-9 as far as my thyroid goes, then it’s technically an incorrect statement for me to say I would lose weight with normal numbers because I don’t lose weight when my numbers are in that range. I only lose when in the range that’s normal for most people.

I texted Tom to see how he’s doing and he said they’re done with the first cut and the lab will take a half hour to analyze it. Hopefully, they won’t have to make too many cuts to get all the cancerous cells.

For the longest time, I kept asking myself what I did to deserve him. If there is anything out there, that truly does hate me and has been hell-bent on seeing me cursed in one way or another throughout my life, then why blessed me with him? Well, maybe it’s to keep me alive to suffer on and off, knowing I’m much more reluctant to end it all with him in the picture. I suppose anything is possible but I’ll likely never know.

I also read an interesting article that made me think of Andy, Andy isn’t the dumbest person in the world. Far from it. I mean, there’s just no comparison between him and crazy Kim. But he’s also not the brightest bulb in the box either. The article talked about how people not asking follow-up questions about something you’ve mentioned is often interpreted as a sign of disinterest. However, it can actually be a sign of a lack of ability to comprehend in order to ask additional questions. I thought about it and it is definitely hard for Andy to understand or even want to understand certain things, although I still think he’s a bit selfish, mostly wanting to talk about what interests him and what he can relate to. A lot of people are like that. So while I would be curious, even if it didn’t affect me personally, that’s likely why he never asked whether or not I took the new N24 medication, for example.

Met with Helen yesterday and it was funny because when she was doing EMDR with me and walking me through certain feelings and events of my childhood, she kept asking how I felt during the actual moment when I went through the event as a child and I told her I didn’t think that was ever going to change because it was in the past and you can’t go back and rewrite history and change how you felt about something you felt at a particular moment years ago, could you? But apparently, that’s the whole idea here is to go back in time and literally re-process and change how I felt in order to help move on in the future with less anger. We were laughing for a minute there, and I told her I was sorry I didn’t understand the point of what we were trying to do and she said that was okay, and perhaps it was explained to me in a way I didn’t understand.

At the same time, I feel like a lot of the anger has fizzled out on its own with age. I’m certainly not as angry as I was years ago. This doesn’t mean I would ever forgive those who have really wronged me or be okay with it any more than I would let them back into my life if that were possible. It just means I’m just not feeling the anger as intensely as I used to. I don’t even want revenge on those who have really screwed me the worst in life as much. I mean, I do and it would still be nice if there was something I could do that I could actually get away with in a day and age where everything is traceable, but at the same time, I just don’t care as much. The need for such trolling like what Termite Tammy and her pesky brood did showed that they cared how I felt and what I thought. Well, the more time that passes, the less I give a shit and therefore the less angrier I am and the less I crave revenge. Like I said, I would take it if it was that simple and I certainly don’t give a shit what happens to them. But more and more I just see them as a bunch of horrible people I used to know that I want nothing to do with now or in the future. I’m indifferent to what happens to them at the same time I believe they deserve whatever suffering comes their way.

Tinkerbella was so cute this morning. There’s nothing sweeter than when your rat is already out running around free, compliments of Tom, and runs up to greet you as you open the bedroom door and step out of it. It was so damn cute. She wanted to be picked up and say hello so I picked her up and gave her hugs and kisses as always.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2023 Although I wasn’t too tired yesterday, I had nausea for hours. It lasted well into my sleep and then some. I swear that when we moved into the last house, something up there slammed its fist down and declared, “I’m gonna make sure you suffer nearly every day for the rest of your life!”

It sure feels that way at times. If it isn’t anxiety, then it’s fatigue. If it isn’t pain, it’s nausea.

I’m sipping peppermint tea, which is supposed to help because I still have traces of nausea.

Apparently, I must add meatballs to the list of Do Not Eat since getting my gallbladder removed. We’re pretty sure the frozen meatballs I heated up and added to the spaghetti I made for us yesterday were what caused it.

It came on hours before bedtime and I thought it would be gone by the time I was ready to sleep. I tried a couple of Tums and it seemed to help a little, but not for long. When I finally drifted off on my stomach, I woke up because it started coming up in my throat and I totally regretted not trying to make myself throw up. I was kind of hoping I would throw up whether I wanted to or not since it just didn’t seem to want to leave my system but nope. Then I fell back asleep on my back just to snore myself awake.

I knew I was gonna be exhausted when I got up because of how long I was up for and how shitty I slept. I woke up after 5.5 hours of sleep, and I could kick myself for not staying up! I went back to sleep, not even an hour after being up, and ended up sleeping for nearly 5 additional hours. So the endo appointment, which looked like it would be simple enough to get to after the light was slowing the roll, is back to looking like I’m gonna have to short my sleep by quite a bit to make it to. I may even have to reschedule Tuesday’s lab.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2023 I wasn’t going to do an entry today, but I’ll do one if only just to bitch about my shitty health woes. Each year that I suffer, I fear I’m never going to get my health back. Being healthy is definitely a thing of the past for me. Or at least feeling healthy.

Yesterday I spent about 80% of my day feeling exhausted and therefore it played on my mood and made me feel frustrated and totally bummed out.

I thought of going for a walk today, but then I decided to clean the kitchen first, knowing that it would likely suck the energy out of me. I didn’t want the walk to wipe me out and be too tired to clean. Sure enough, I’m a little out of it but I’m more lightheaded than anything else. This is how I felt coming back from Publix a couple of days ago. Really hope I improve once my TSH is squared away!

Tom and I are still 99% sure I don’t have PAH. It will still be nice to have an expert say so for sure. So when I hear those words telling me everything is OK with my heart and arteries, I can then begin the process of elimination as to what’s causing the fatigue. I agree with the docs in that it’s likely mostly on my thyroid and being a little low on B-12. The problem is that the supplements haven’t been helping.

I was able to get referrals for the mammogram and echocardiogram at the same place about 15 minutes away. Still may have to travel a bit further for a cardiologist. First, we want the echocardiogram results for when I see the cardiologist. It may not be necessary to see one, though, if the echo doesn’t show anything questionable.

As for genetic counseling, we have to see if my insurance covers that. I did find that 23andMe checked for 3 variants that I didn’t have that could put me at risk of breast cancer but there are over 1000 variants.

I don’t know about RA, but when I looked into the symptoms of Sjogren’s, I felt pretty sure I don’t have that since I don’t have a dry mouth and dry tear ducts. They’ll still be testing for these things.

The absolute worst-case scenario is that I have chronic fatigue. Doesn’t explain the lightheadedness, but it could just be that I need to drink more and am hungry. I haven’t eaten much since I’ve been up.

[brunettefm]

I feel really good about the ever-expanding universe. I find it fathomable (without effort) that I’m a nanopart of an infinite thing. This truth makes Our World seem smaller, which makes any goodness I am able to offer more meaningful.

Best fact ever: matter cannot be created or destroyed!!!!!! What’s here has always been here and will always be here. My little matter - my molecules and energy - might be solar wind some day, or an apple hanging off a tree. Or the apples on the cover of a newly printed copy of Twilight. Or a firefly at twilight. Or. Or!

This knowledge has carried me through immeasurable grief. And it’s the central thesis of my favorite poem (As Light by Devin Kelly)!

There is also the NOTHING MATTERS aspect of this, which delights me. We get to choose what matters to us! We get to choose how we respond to everything! I think this makes everything that “matters” matter so much more. Because maybe you don’t even realize that you DECIDED what matters to you!!! And despite this, you are revealing so much of yourself - your values and beliefs, your concept of self and your concept of the world, the extent to which you believe you play a part in it all - all the time.

It’s a nano part, sure. But it’s ours.

Wuthering Heights / Kate Bush

She’s dramatic. She’s singular. She’s a witch or maybe a ghost. She’s got me researching the music of her time, all the artists she’s inspired, her whole biography, her whole discography. It was the best thing this week to suddenly and completely GET HER! And LOVE HER!!! Plus the MUSIC VIDEO - I couldn’t have dreamed a better one if I tried! It’s a dream. It’s real life. It’s a girl alone in her thoughts. It’s a girl controlling the world. It’s EVERYTHING!!!!! I crave this song 10 separate times every day and then every time I’m like okay FINE I’ll listen to the WHOLE ALBUM!!!! FINE!!!! I feel like I’ve opened a door I didn’t know existed, tapped into a whole new realm of music, found a whole new side of the universe. This song is why I started writing all this!!! I can’t stop bringing Kate Bush up in conversation in hopes of gushing about her with someone!!!

Pale Blue Eyes / The Velvet Underground

I love this song because it feels like nothing changes from start to finish, even when things are changing. It feels like I have the space to spread out into the song, into myself, into my space. I often don’t realize I’m tightly wound until I listen to a song like this and feel lighter. SO much lighter.

I love that I start relying on the tambourine as soon as the song starts, allowing its presence to ground me while still driving the song. I trust the tambourine and she does not disappoint! In fact, it’s this very tambourine that allows the song to feel unchanging to me, that takes me right out of time and into all of this space.

I love how gentle the tone is and I love that, despite this, the bassline starts to feel groovy and danceable by the second verse. There is no change in pace or tone or emphasis inspiring this, it just happens when you tap in. I love the funky little instrumental breakdown that requires no lead up or comedown to fit right in (rooted, of course, by our tambourine). I love that after the breakdown we go right back to the simple instrumentals that made me float away in the first place.

Trip To Japan / The Shacks

I can’t mention spacious music without bringing one of my favorite songs of 2024 into the conversation. I thought I’d listen to it less now that the hot, bright summer is over, but I’ve continued queueing it with surprising frequency. I think there’s something in the underbelly of the music that allows the track to fit in with the darker toned tracks I crave this time of year.

The Promise / When In Rome

RIGHT off the bat this song reminds me of the Alien franchise, which I OBVIOUSLY love. I have yet to discern why this is true - I’ll revisit this when I crack the code. The Peter Gabriel In Your Eyes type drum riff that occasionally pops up in the background delights me. I’m just generally a sucker for the whole 80s synthpop thing going on here. I quite enjoy the whole album, and because I know little about the form at this time (I’m working on it), I can’t tell if it’s “good” or “bad.” I just know it’s working for ME!

S P E Y S I D E / Bon Iver

This song makes me teary every single time, and TRUST there have been many times. The guitar is so sweet but so melancholy. His vocal melody is so gratifying, particularly right before at the end of each verse when he switches to a chord with a darker tone. The sound, the Ahs and Ohs, are SO For Emma, Forever Ago. And these lyrics…my GOD!!!!

“I Know now that I can’t make good / But how I wish I could …Nothing’s really something now, the whole thing’s soot.” And he says soot as he’s switching to that lower chord at the end!!!! It’s THE EXACT right thing!!!!

“As I fill my book / Oh what a waste of wood / Nothing’s really happened like I Thought it would.” I’m upset.

“Man, I’m so sorry / I got the best of me / I really damn been on such a violent spree / But maybe you can still make a man from me.”

It’s the best song from SABLE, without question.

For the record, Bon Iver is the core player in my most comprehensive theory/ideology/insight related to the modern music landscape, but diving into this properly requires some research on my end. More soon!

MY albums of the week (idk whats going on with the spacing)

The Kick Inside / Kate Bush (OBVOUSLY)

Imaginal Disk / Magdalena Bay

Heart of Stone / Cher Bookends / Simon & Garfunkel To Live & Die In Space & Time / Lynn Avery, Cole Pulice

Tried Flying Lotus’s Cosmogramma (a few times, actually) and it wasn’t clicking for me. Sorry!

As per usual I find myself wishing I could listen to music and watch TV and read and write at the same time.

[sukepami]

Dear S,

Before you start reading this, I’ll need you to promise me something. It is not the hardest thing to ask of you, nor it is the simplest, but please, hear my plea: do not ever mention any of the things I’ll write further down this e-mail to anyone else, not even me. Don’t remind me of it. Don’t make me think about it. Do not ever, ever show even the barest inkling of knowledge about whatever it is that festers in these pages. If you can’t do this, please stop reading right now and simply send it to your junk mail. 

I’ve been thinking of writing to you ever since I asked if you remembered your old address. I didn’t do it because I forgot; I don’t think I’ve ever forgotten even the tiniest detail about you. Much on the contrary. I remember it all, in painstaking clarity, all your thoughts and opinions, what it is that makes you tick, what you hate, what you love. I know every single thing that once appealed to you and you let it go as years went by, how your world changed with your age. How, little by little, you forgot me too, like some infant dream you were finally ready to part ways with. As you may or may not know, things didn’t go the same for me.

Between the two of us, you were always the most level headed one. While you from time to time entertained my childlike wonder for the world and all the things I discovered as I grew up, you stood focused, not letting anything stray you from your path. You fought hard not to let the crackling energy housed inside you explode and, in turn, you had to find a different approach when it came to life. Your intensity made you sullen on the outside, expressionless. Even then, it could never make me admire you any less. In fact, it did the opposite: the more you pushed people away, the more I wanted in. To this day, you are still my most hard-fought over friend, the most special of them all. I never wanted to understand you. All I wanted was to stay close and bask in your light, even if only for a while.

What I’m trying to get at is that talking to you again is making me revisit some of the most bittersweet memories of my entire life. I could cope fairly well if you never made yourself known, but having you day in, day out in my line of sight and texting me out of the blue is doing things to me I can’t even understand. It hurts me, yet I’m still desperate for it, and maybe that is the reason why I entertain each and every one of your unsympathetic chimes, breaking me with the absolute disinterest with which you talk to me. If you don’t want to, why do you keep doing it? Why won’t you let me be?

Somehow, in this whirlwind of chaos, I still find a thousand reasons why I should never cut the cord. Knowing your whereabouts is vital to me, tranquilizes me in the most sickening way. A few weeks ago, I passed by your training room and peeked at you fighting like a man possessed, no light in your eyes. Days later, you walked past me on the street, but yet again I didn’t have the heart to say hello. Your air scares me, makes me want to pull away. How much of a coward does it make me, to hide whenever you’re around? Will I ever be able to face what you have become and not break down when I realize you’re not the friend I cherished so terribly anymore?

I just wish there was a way to know you’re still doing somewhat fine. You told me your dad’s been well and your mom’s fought depression again. What problems loom in your life? I’d do anything to be able to help. If you could spare me the tiniest bit of attention, the smallest of kindnesses, this selfish thing that beats for you inside me would finally be put at ease. If not, to forget you would be the immediate second desire I tend to so fiercely. To have my friend the way I do now is pure despair. To not have you wouldn’t change much about it. Still, I’d take your hatred over invisibility any day.

I missed writing to you too much. I hope you forget everything about this e-mail. 

Love, ten 

[revellier]

Some observations rewatching Good Omens S1 in prep for S2:

Even after 4 years of watching Sheen and Tennant becoming Sheen&Tennant, I’m happy to say that I still just see Aziraphale & Crowley when they’re on screen

That said, there are moments when I still see Tennant as the Doctor — mostly when he’s yelling. Still got that Oncoming Storm energy.

The special effect of them taking their escalators to reach heaven and hell still wows me every time

I love all the side characters and am a little sad we won’t revisit some of them in S2

On the other hand, the female characters in S1 leave something to be desired in terms of agency (and having any scenes that pass Bechdel?) so I’m hoping that changes with so many new ones being touted as prominent in the new season

I hope we eventually get to see the origin of Crowley and the Bentley. Maybe not a 28 minute cold open, but at least a good 10-15

There’s a whole post in my head analyzing Aziraphale’s thrill-seeking tendencies, but I’ll abstain until after S2

Despite a dozen+ rewatches, I still don’t understand why “You go too fast for me” is viewed as a romantic moment. Sure, it’s a great, dramatic line and sums up how Aziraphale views himself (inaccurately; did I mention the thrill-seeking thing? 👀) and their relationship, but I just find it sad

One of the most impressive things about the Hard Times cold open is how effectively it grounded and fleshed out characters that had spent most of the first 2 episodes feeling quite fantastical and at times even cartoonish. They did more in 28 minutes than what some shows manage in a whole season

[mrlnsfrt]

Principles for Navigating Life

How do you navigate life?

Do you intentionally choose how you live or do you allow others to decide for you how you will live your life?

Are you moving intentionally towards a goal or are you simply cruising with the current consistently choosing the path of least resistance?

I do not have life all figured out, but I am constantly correcting and adjusting my course. I often review my habits, take notice of how I am spending my time and energy and how I invest my precious resources (attention, focus, energy, health, etc). I hope that this post, briefly outlining how I tackle this topic, will help you navigate your life.

I have heard people claiming they are being authentic. Sadly many times it comes across more like an excuse for careless behavior. “I am just being me” can be the equivalent of “I have no idea why I did this,” or “it felt right at the moment.”

Maybe you have met people who later regret doing what felt right at the moment. I am not saying you will never regret your choices. But I do believe that with more careful thought you can significantly diminish your regrets in life.

Get a piece of paper, or a journal, or just open a note app on your phone and let’s make some lists.

What are your core values? (What do you value most at this point in your life?

Based on your core values, what does your authentic self look like?

How do you want to be remembered?

These questions are worth careful thought. I revisit questions like this about once a month. I want to live according to what I value, and if I do not ask myself this question frequently, I end up living my life according to the value of others. Your parents, your teachers, your friends, your boss, and your spouse, all have some idea of who they want you to be. Those are not necessarily bad things, but are you becoming who you believe you are meant to be or what others want you to be?

Whatever your choice is, just be aware of it, instead of mindlessly just going with the flow.

Now that you have given some thought to your core values and what your authentic self would look like, take a moment to list your top five priorities.

I wonder if I should share mine or not. I really want you to develop your own. but if you’re curious about mine I’ll list them below.

But I strongly suggest you not read mine until you have written out your top five or at least your top 3.

My current top 5 priorities in life are

God

My Wife

My Kids

My health

My ministry (career/calling)

When I list my wife and kids I mean their well-being, not that I would always do what they want. In other words, if my wife needs something, and I would rather spend my money on something else because it would be more fun for me, I would place her needs above my desires. The same goes for my kids. This does not mean I neglect my personal needs. If it ever becomes a life or death situation I am willing to die for my wife or my kids. This also means that I will not sacrifice the well-being of my wife and kids for my personal gain (career, fame, money, etc). Though I am willing to sacrifice my health for my wife and kids I am not willing to do that for my ministry. Does this make sense?

Also, I place my wife above my kids because it is better for my kids when my wife and I are together. I believe if I were to neglect my spouse for the “sake” of my kids, my kids would end up losing in the end.

The only thing in my life that outranks my wife and kids is God. Because of my faith in who God is as revealed in the Bible, I strongly believe He is worthy of all that I am and all that I have, I live for Him and everything else that is good in my life comes from Him.

This is where the rubber meats the road. Now that you have listed your priorities, with the understanding that your priorities reflect your core values, how much time and resources have you dedicated to your priorities this past week? What about this past moth?

Here is the challenge. If you claim to have certian values and priorities, but the way you invest your time and recources does not reflect those same values, you may have preferred values that are not actually real values. our daily habits and decisions reveal what our true values are. If you claim a certain value and priority, yet not allocate any time or recourse towards it, can you really say you value it?

This is tricky. You do not want to lie to yourself. I often think about this. If I claim my wife to be my number two priority in life and yet I did nothing to help her this past week, is she really a priority in my life? Same with my kids, how muhc of my time and effort was dedicated towards them? What about my perosnal health? My ministry? Most importantly God. If I claim God to be my number one priority, yet I spent little to no time in any type of spiritual activity is God really my top priority?

Write down what seem to be your real priorities based on how you allocated time, attention, and other resources this past week and month.

What kept you from investing in your priorities? (the ones you listed above?)

What changes do you need to make in order for your allocation of time, attention, focus, energy, and resources, to match your (listed) priorities?

The next step for me is to consider what the Bible has to say about life. I realize there is a whole lot that the Bible says about life, but here are some key verses to get you started. These verses do a great job of encapsulating the big picture in a succinct way.

With what shall I come before the Lord, And bow myself before the High God? Shall I come before Him with burnt offerings, With calves a year old? 7 Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, Ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression, The fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

8 He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God? - Micah 6:6-8 NKJV

In your notes or journal write down what you think this verse means. Put it in your own words.

In light of this verse, should you make any changes to your priorities? Does this verse help you consider what your life goals are and how you plan to achieve them?

I find these verses also incredibly powerful and challenging.

6 “Is this not the fast that I have chosen: To loose the bonds of wickedness, To undo the heavy burdens, To let the oppressed go free, And that you break every yoke? 7 Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, And that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out; When you see the naked, that you cover him, And not hide yourself from your own flesh? 8 Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily, And your righteousness shall go before you; The glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. 9 Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; You shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’

“If you take away the yoke from your midst, The pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness, - Isaiah 58:6-9 NKJV

How does this verse impact your view of what life should be about?

Are there any things you wish to add to your priorities, goals, and daily routine?

I read these passages and consider my life and how much of these activities described by Isaiah are a part of my life, and if not what I can do to include them.

Consider what you believe God is calling you to do (in a practical sense) based on Micah 6:6-8 and Isaiah 58:6-9.

How can you live this out in a practical way this week? This month? What would your life look like?

Write it down in your journal or notes app.

Now let us add a verse from the New Testament. This is the last verse I’ll ask you to consider in this post.

What does “seeking the kingdom of God first” look like in your life right now?

What would “seeking the kingdom of God” look like for you this week? This month?

Now combine everything.

Your top 5 priorities.

Your core values.

When you consider what God calls you to do.

What should your life look like?

What are your life goals and how do you plan to accomplish them?

I pray that this exercise can at least get you started on living life more intentionally.

Let me know your thoughts on the comments below.

[lisacatara-actress]

Almost Lisa: Pt 12,   “Almost bit the Apple”

*I retain all rights to my photography and story, story details, biographical information, fashion designs, art work, and anything and everything I have posted which is my own creation*)

“If I can make it There, I’ll make it Anywhere!”

It was suggested to me online that I revisit my journey in New York City leading up to my early career in music. NY has always been such a vibrant, exciting city, full of energy and so much culture. Understandably, it's enticing to hear about. I've been giving that a lot of thought because it's unhealthy to dwell in some of the events surrounding 9/11 and what ultimately ended my singing and Broadway aspirations. But I've also remembered countless individual experiences and conversations leading up to and during that time in my life which have been interesting to revisit.

To get to New York State initially was quite the undertaking and began my senior year of high school. Dr. Jim Bane, director of Band at Cleveland Heights High School, was a strong positive influence in my pursuing my music ambitions. Jim was incredibly supportive and encouraging of my musical pursuits. When I was accepted into Eastman, Jim allowed me to spend my lunch time, every day, in his office, dialing for scholarship applications and grants so that I could attend. Without his help, I surely would have gone to Baldwin Wallace in Ohio, which offered me a full ride (boy, was that a conversation with my parents, lol). It was also Jim Bane who introduced me to the Cleveland Youth Wind Symphony where I served as principal flutist for the three years. The CYWS was the symphony I later sang with, post 9-11, in Severance Hall. The last performance of my career before ultimately losing my voice.

In 1997 (whoa...!) I graduated from the distinguished Eastman School Of Music with a BM in Voice and began driving every week from Rochester to Manhattan for one hour lessons with the incredibly revered and talented John Mace and Richard Dorr. How I survived this year-plus, exhausting pilgrimage is beyond me. I suppose youthful determination was the key. But what wasn’t happening was my ability to find a permanent place to live in NYC.  Here I was, with opportunity in front of me, but no where to live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. I was marching all over Manhattan- on foot- looking for work with my self-manifested modeling portfolio and fashion designs (the ones I was penning during rehearsals) in hand. At some point, I briefly befriended a restaurant owner who was good friends with the then uber-popular fashion designer Elie Tahari. He got me a meeting with the designer. Wow!

I’ll never forget, after waiting nearly an hour for our meeting, the sight while sitting in Elie Tahari’s offices, when the elevator doors finally opened to Ellie with three of his staff flanking him, all on phones and scribbling things down, sweeping through the foyer and into a nearby room, filled with fabric bolts. I was called to go in and meet him, ready to show my fashion designs. Elie motioned for me to sit next to him as a fit model in a nice pair of denim jeans paced back and forth in front of us. I knew he was squeezing me in and I was happy for it. Then he asked for my book and leafed through my designs, still conducting business with his team. A few “mm hmms” later, he handed me back my book and stated “you’re an illustrator”. Now, granted my designs were more intricate than the modern, streamlined brand he was famous for, but I did fancy myself capable of designing what I penned. Elie asked me to stand and turn around for him. Said maybe he could use me as a fit model. But- fit as I was- I was only 5′5″. Oh well. A few years later, I’d begun framing and selling my fashion illustrations to private collectors and fashion enthusiasts. Thank you Elie! But I’d still love to do something with the thousands of original designs I’ve created which- currently- live in volumes, in boxes.

Through the restaurateur, I was also introduced to a statuesque and shapely transwoman named Octavia. She was sassy, very New York, and a hoot to behold. She invited me to what would have been my first drag show (don’t worry, I enjoyed many once I got to Hollywood), but I stopped spending time with them after the owner did a line of coke behind my back with his buddy. Not my scene.

Also in New York, I was interviewed at FHM Magazine as an emerging talent. I did my face and hair nice, put on a cute outfit and marched up to the building just as the door opened and an entourage of 13 or so poured out, surrounding another up and comer, Jennifer Lopez. When I got into the room, the interviewer was already making decisions to print her interview. He sat in front of me, half paying attention. The wall behind him displayed photos of The Spice Girls, tacked on it in a row. They would be printed in the next months publication. I was clearly “no one”. This is one of those memories which make me angry over missed time. I got a late start on my dreams. Had I broken free of that despicable, controlling boss years earlier, who knows if I would have been walking out of a major magazine interview, with an entourage, launching my own singing career/ empire.

I just found a note to myself entitled “the German” and giggled remembering this next part of my New York  experience. While subletting a room in a railway apartment on the upper West Side, my “roommate”- a fun, quirky voice over talent also named Lisa- and I shared a few interesting moments together wherever the third roommate subletted her room out to subsidize her portion of rent. On one occasion, the subleasee was a German man (maybe early 30′s) who was in the States on a grant to research Death. Some institution had bestowed financial resources upon this already odd and terse man so that he could sit bedside and watch people pass away, and involve himself in things which brought him closer to understanding Death and the Human condition as it deals with it’s own demise. Needless to say, I avoided conversations with the guy (as did Lisa 2.0). Sometimes, they were unavoidable, and there we're no witnesses.

One night, German dude caught me solo in the apartment and began to discuss his research. He told me of an art exhibit he’d attended where the entrance way was flanked by two naked people (a man and a woman). You couldn't enter without turning your body to the side. He enjoyed (too much) speculating about which way I might turn to enter, sizing me up and down to see how I might react to his inquiry. Then he mentioned another, earlier, exhibit by a controversial performance artist who publicized a disclaimer that whatever happened to her during the performance was her will. Upon a long table in the room were various items attendees could “use” to interact with her: scissors, rope, paint, a boa, various knives, tape, a loaded gun... The German declared he would enjoy using the knife on this artist, and explained his fascination with her Work, while moving uncomfortably closer to me and making slashing gestures at my torso with an imaginary knife. I did not move a single muscle. It was at this moment that Lisa 2.0 came home and walked into our living room- eyes wide- and asked “how’s it going?”. Both Lisa’s were thrilled the next night when The German called to say he wouldn’t be coming home because he was arrested for jumping a subway turnstile. Guess that’s legal in Europe.

(For the record, that Artist he adored was the infamous Marina Abramović. The work was “Rhythm 0″ which - I recall- ended with a loaded gun pointed at the artists head.)

Ahhhhhhh... I Love New York.

      (To be continued...)

(PS If you like what you're reading, I welcome contributions to the efforts via Venmo  @LTarantinoDesigns)

[writerswhy]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! They’re always welcomed additions :)

You write: 

“But I feel like at the level of individuals we meet there's this... weird potential energy where many of them are simultaneously so trapped by these ways of thinking but also reflexively/subconsciously (or knowingly but privately) positioned against them.” 

and

“And I feel like it might be even harder for them to imagine outside of these binaries, because to be a shinigami is so existentially wed to the reification of these divisions. We as humans can think of ourselves as being locked into these things, but shinigami might actually existentially, definitionally, require them.”

And yes, that’s exactly what I was hinting at in my “Soul Society is a haunted house” post. I’ll save my full response for when I get to answering your question there, but the existential schism of living in their world through reification (as you say) via this institutional mythos is soooo interesting to me. The immanent reasons why/how the “living” experience differs between ghosts vs souls (ghosts to shinigami) vs noble souls (born/made in Soul Society). (I think this is something you can extrapolate from the whole Byakuya-Rukia-Renji conflict in the first few arcs.). 

Like, how is the discourse of the self employed within the strata of their society and can, with too much outside self-definition, pressure cook souls into something else?

“What institutions are benefited by any particular discourse, and what forms of life are rendered dangerous or defective?”

I wish I had more time to spend thinking about Bleach and getting all excited over 2% of the actual story lol. 

Anyways, the intention of this post was honestly just to continue exploring the internal and external world of one of my favorite characters of all-time. I think her character and position raises interesting points of discussion about the culture and society of SS and the points of contention born from this. Hinamori, to me, feels like someone who is sketching the edges and limits of their cultural norms and existence. As you said, asking the whys and what nows. 

I wrote Hinamori could embark on this journey for two: one for the lieutenant and the other for her. It’s difficult (maybe even impossible in their society) to differentiate between the two because it’s not like Hinamori can punch out at 5 p.m and reintegrate herself into a life outside SS. Her friendships, her education, the refinement of her power/soul are imbued with this space. I think a lot about what’s lost when so much of the self originates from one out-of-place space.

Part of my job requires working with those who have done some terrible things. Helping and caring for them (and it’s the caring for that’s a constant WIP). But when I clock out I can separate from my work and go to stores, read books, participate in hobbies and connect with people outside the profession. Although that’s not exactly true, because what I’ve learned (and continue to learn) has bled into my day-to-day perspective sooooo 🤷‍♀️ I guess it is hard to separate! At a certain point the personal (spiritual) becomes the principle.

“Holding is hard. But it's a choice one might make, and I feel like if there is anything true about Hinamori it is that she will hold the shit out of something, no matter how sharp or how hot. I think sometimes when she does this it comes from a place of pain and desperation, because there's violence in and writ upon her that she'll probably always be continuing to work through; but most of the time, I think her holding is a principled choice.”

Couldn’t agree more <333333 So much of their society is all show that taking a painful truth, this rebellion/response to the facade, and weaving it into her being is just so! Indescribable, she’s great. I love Hinamori so much. This is something that cannot be tucked away. It’s part of a cycle that will continue to revisit them.

This reply is getting way too long so I’m going to plug in a few more ideas I think Hinamori could agree with:

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” — Going back to both our points that this is not a one-and-done process. This is a way of living; “a principled choice.”

“Second we must recognize that the evil deed of the enemy- neighbor, the thing that hurts, never quite expresses all that he is. An element of goodness may be found even in our worst enemy.” — I think Hinamori can still find goodness in Aizen, even if it’s the Aizen from before. The one who never was. If not goodness then pain (hurt people hurt people but from where does the hurt originate?). A point I barely touched on was self-compassion. I’m rewatching Bleach and seeing her apologize to Hitsugaya when he doesn’t even blame her for attacking him is so </3 Also, I know it’s filler, but Tobiume was so hostile, so degrading, so hurt by Hinamori, it makes me wonder what her internal dialogue was like. It felt like it was influenced by these harmful narratives Hinamori is subject to—that she’s weak, that she’s delusional, broken.

Lastly, imperfect and nonlinear but the purpose of this journey: “To our most bitter opponents we say: ‘We shall match your capacity to inflict suffering by our capacity to endure suffering. We shall meet your physical force with soul force. Do to us what you will, and we shall continue to love you. We cannot in all good conscience obey your unjust laws, because noncooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good. Throw us in jail, and we shall still love you. Bomb our homes and threaten our children, and we shall still love you. Send your hooded perpetrators of violence into our community at the midnight hour and beat us and leave us half dead, and we shall still love you. But be assured that we will wear you down by our capacity to suffer. One day we shall win freedom, but not only for ourselves. We shall so appeal to your heart and conscience that we shall win you in the process, and our victory will be a double victory.’” — The sentiment is there: for her this journey isn’t just about healing her own pain but as someone with a moral obligation and duty, it’s about figuring out how, why, and what if anything can be done to prevent or buffer such harm in the future. I think to do so, you have to see reality for what it is (and I’ve said I think Hinamori has for a long time now). By doing so, you can find compassion, or common ground, maybe even forgiveness.

do you think hinamori can forgive aizen? he manipulated and used her from the beginning. i dont see why she has to forgive.

Disclaimer: none of this is meant to be apologia, nor am I trying to speak for others. I work in medical, adjacent to law enforcement/legal, and have personally experienced intimate violence. Just trying to let you guys know where I’m coming from. Thank you <3

Also, this is technically part 2 to anon’s question. I feel like I did a better job at elaborating on Hinamori’s character here.

You know, this comes up a lot in both fandom and real-life—this talk of forgiveness and redemption, getting “over” it—and it’s not something that necessarily interests me because of how it’s typically presented. I think it’s pretty reflective of the space and language we lack to explore conversations outside this model of punitive justice and its by-products.

I like to think that for someone like Hinamori who has a solid moral code and tends to shoulder responsibility for a lot of things—her people, her position, her friends, even the work she does for the academy—she’d subscribe to models like transformative justice or restorative justice. 

I think she believes that Soul Society can one day be a better place but also acknowledge that the expression of it is imperfect and not a one-size-fits-all solution. As someone who actually puts in the work, a path forward can manifest in two ways: one for Lieutenant Hinamori and the other for Hinamori Momo.

Hinamori plays an active role in the institution. She’s on the inside of this whole thing. In the aforementioned post I said that Hinamori can choose to bury her head in the sand, rage and follow in Aizen’s footsteps, grow bitter and alienate parts of herself, or hold onto this moral vision of hers and learn to work in and outside the Seireitei for a better Soul Society. We’ve seen her reclaim her lieutenancy on her terms, so I don’t think she’ll have much trouble there. And we know she has no problem challenging authority. I think she can learn to make the system work for her and her cause. I imagine that on the outside she would start some community outreach program to improve the lives of the Rukongai denizens. 

Internally though, it’s complicated. I’m not going to get into it here but I think Hinamori and Aizen have a lot more in common than either would admit and I think a big part of their relationship was almost like a response to the roles they both had to play within the Seireitei, roles they didn’t necessarily agree with. 

While writing this I kept thinking: who would Hinamori be if she had not joined the gotei (and if Soul Society had other avenues for souls like hers)? I think she would still retain her moral compass and ambition, but what would that look like on the outside? Maybe in direct opposition to the Seireitei, participating in or even leading an upheaval? And that’s a hard pill to swallow, that if circumstances were just a little different, she could find herself on the other side. (Not in the same way though, for obvious reasons.)

I think Hinamori would agree with the following: that violence has history and crime—instead of a law broken—can be viewed as a relationship that has been damaged. A relationship between people, between communities, between systems, a relationship of trust. (I mean, isn’t that what the Soul Society arc was about? Isn’t that what Aizen preyed on?) 

I think Hinamori knows in the back of her mind that the cause of Aizen and co’s defection is rooted in the history of the underbelly of the system they uphold. I think this goes back to how they lack the language and space to acknowledge this reality and engage in meaningful and productive dialogue to the betterment of the institution, the perpetrators (because they are and have to be a part of this conversation), the victims and community. 

So, do I think Hinamori could forgive Aizen? As a lieutenant, I think she would have to come to terms and understand the greater “why” of his defection and what to do with that as second-in-command. For models like restorative and transformative justice, the victim has to be the one to initiate the conversation and it has to be mutually agreed upon. Interestingly, she was not given that choice when the Wandenreich invaded. It may sound defeatist, but I think this is something that must be continuously processed: for as long as she works for the gotei, Aizen becomes more a concept than a person.

For Hinamori Momo, someone who values her relationships and what she gets from them (not just companionship, which is very important, but knowledge, inspiration, a new perspective), I don’t think it’s as simple as to forgive or not forgive. Aizen had a great impact on her and I’m sure the knowledge she gained she still incorporates and even believes in post-defection. I don’t think it’s fair to take that away from her, nor do I think that means she’s still clinging to hope to one day pick up where they left off. It’s not denying his violence or solely championing the good times.

It’s about recognizing that in some ways she valued his mentorship and guidance. That he took up a major space in her life that cannot be taken up by another nor can she wave it away like it never happened.

But like I said, I don’t think their society has the tools to facilitate this type of conversation without alienating another. I said I see Hinamori as someone who asks herself “am I feeling this right?” and this is definitely one of those instances. 

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I don’t think this answers your question, anon, but I hope you see where I’m coming from! Thank you so much for the ask. I had a lot of fun thinking through it <33